


enough

by peepasoo



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Historical Accuracy, Historical Inaccuracy, Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, This is going to be long, everyone is going to show up, literally it's a mess, strap in kiddos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-25 08:30:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7525690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peepasoo/pseuds/peepasoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>eliza, alexander, and all it took to be enough </p><p>or: hamilton in modern times as told by alexander and eliza</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the perfect start

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys!! if you follow my other hamliza series, fill my little world, this was the fic I was referencing in the notes of the latet addition!  
> if you don't then this is just a new fic, welcome! 
> 
> anyway I'm in this story for the long haul, it's going to be long and take a while.  
> I have a lot of ground to cover, so bear with me. 
> 
> without further ado, here is the first chapter!

Eliza wishes it were raining, then she’d know what to do.

At least then she could pretend that this was a movie. In a perfect world there was angtsy music in the background, and she would be holding a black umbrella, silent tears running down her cheeks.

But this is not a perfect world. Here it was sunny, and there was no music and she had no umbrella and no tears (not yet).

The only music she had was the buzz of the reporters and paparazzi. She had wanted it to be a private affair but when did that ever stop the press. Luckily though they did not come too close (who would with Angelica, JC, Herc, and Laf all giving them death glares).

They somehow all get situated, with eleven kids and five adults. Hercules, Lafayette and Adrienne all rushed to the states as soon as they learned about what happened. Eliza couldn't’ve be more grateful for them.

Angelica nudges her gently when the preacher introduces her.  She is supposed to give the eulogy. She was the only person she trusted enough to honor him. She makes her way up to the stand, with an encouraging squeeze of her hand from Angelica. Alexander was a well loved man, there were many people there, she briefly wonders how many came as just a formality.  She doesn't know where to begin.

 _Start at the beginning, and go from there._ It was his voice in her head.

She thinks back to all those years ago, they were so young, they had no idea what would happen to them in a week, let alone thirty years. She wonders, if he had known how his story ended would he have made all the same decisions?   _Probably,_ she thinks. Somehow this tells her all she needs to know, so she takes a deep breath, looks at the crowd and begins.

===========

THIRTY YEARS EARLIER

“He’s here!” Peggy called from the front room. Angelica dragged Eliza along so they could look at him.

The Schuyler family had been waiting for the General himself to arrive,  her father, being a well respected official and close friend of the man invited him for dinner since the army’s camp ended up being so close to the Schuyler estate in Morristown.

Eliza kind of resented this whole idea, they were in the middle of the war for their independence and her father invites the most important man in the colonies for a lavish dinner while his soldiers are back at camp eating God knows what and sleeping on the ground. He probably had more important things to do than come to the Schuyler mansion in the black Chevrolet her family sent for him.

“Who’s that with him?” Angelica asks craning to look out the front window over Peggy

“I’m not sure.” Peggy says

The man standing beside Washington was somewhere between Angelica and Eliza’s age, with long dark hair pulled into a ponytail and golden skin. He looked very unsure of himself, like he felt out of place next to Washington.

“Girls, stop!” their mother’s sudden appearance behind them makes all three jump back, “Come and greet our guests.” she says

“Who’s the guy that’s with him?” Eliza asks, curiosity getting the better of her.

“Alexander Hamilton, he is Washington's new ‘right hand man’, if you will.” their father says as he comes forward to open the door.

“George!” Philip greets enthusiastically, when he opens the door. It’s so strange, Eliza realizes, to see this man who gets painted by everyone as this larger than life figure that is the savior of all freedom and liberty make casual jokes about golfing and clap her father on the back.

After they all greet Washington, he introduces the younger man, “This is Alexander Hamilton, my aide de camp.” Philip comes forward to shake his hand and introduce himself, her mother does too, then Peggy, Angelica and finally Eliza.

“Pleasure to meet you.” she says politely and shakes his hand, (and wow his eyes are _really_ beautiful how did she not notice this before)

“Pleasure is all mine.” he says seriously, not looking away from her eyes, and she thinks she might be drowning or melting or burning then her parents announce that they should move to the dining room.

He lets go of her hand but she can see the way he flexes it as he begins to talk with her father.

“So, Alexander I hear you went to King’s.” Angelica says at dinner

It’s kind of hard to pretend that there isn’t a very decisive “kids” and “adults” section going on at their table right now. All the “adults” seems intensely in a conversation about the war or strategy or something, but they occasionally overlap with the “kids” for a few moments to add something, then they go back to their side.

“Um- yeah. I did.” He says

“And on a scholarship too? That’s impressive.” Angelica adds.

“Oh like you couldn’t, Gel?” Peggy says unimpressed

“Peggy, stop it.” Angelica says

They start talking about Peggy’s brilliance in high school or something, Eliza isn’t really paying attention, she’s too busy trying not to think about how her hand still burns from where he touched it earlier.

“What about you, Elizabeth?” he says suddenly

She is shocked by the sudden turn of attention onto her, “Oh, nothing special. I’m at King’s right now studying social work. I graduate in the spring.” she says shrugging her shoulder

“Selling yourself a little short there, Bets” Peggy says playfully bumping her shoulder when Eliza doesn’t say anything she says, “She wants to start the first private orphanage in the new country!”

“Elizabeth Schuyler, always trying to save the world.” Angelica says smiling at her sister

“Something like that.” Eliza says. She hates the idea that her family has of her. It’s this perfect saint of a girl who can do no wrong and only wants to do good. It makes her feel like she can't fail at all, or they would hate her.  

She steals a look at him, she hopes he can tell she doesn’t like the picture of herself her sisters are painting. For some reason it matters to her very much that he know her as she really wants to be known.

He looks up at her, she wants to look away but she can’t. He smiles at her then says, “Those are some awful big shoes to fill, Elizabeth.”

“I’m trying my best.” she answers honestly, she knows he can tell.

They don’t look away from each other for a long moment, then Washington says something that makes them all laugh and the moment is gone.

The rest of the night passes uneventfully, Washington and Hamilton politely decline the invitation for coffee and dessert, saying they had matters to attend to back at camp. Washington leaves with a promise to meet with Philip again next week. Alexander bids them all a farewell and kisses all three of the girls’ hands.

“I hope I see you around, Elizabeth.” he says to her

“Likewise.” she says

===========

She does not see Alexander Hamilton again for six months, she does ask her father about him occasionally, if only just to make sure he’s still alive.

When she sees him again it’s at a gala her parents throw for the soldiers, a way to take their mind off the war, and forget. At least that’s what her mother says.

She’s just about to politely excuse herself from this incredibly boring conversation she is having with Aaron Burr, an old family friend, when the General walks in. Everyone’s attention was captured by him, except Eliza’s, her’s was focused on the younger man following him closely, the same look in his eyes he had in Morristown.

He looks the same on the surface as he did there too. She almost misses Aaron leaving to go talk to someone else of more importance.

It’s Angelica walking up to her that breaks her out of her trance, but before Angelica can get a word out she saying, “He’s mine.”

Imagine growing up with a quiet middle sister, now imagine she’s labeled by everyone (including yourself) as the “good” one, never stepping out of line once and definitely never calling dibs on anything, just Perfect Little Eliza.

Now imagine Angelica’s confusion as Perfect Little Eliza takes something for herself. (Eliza didn’t know this at the time, but Angelica felt _pride_ that night, too.)

Eliza didn’t care if what they thought she was turned out to suddenly be not true, she always knew it wasn’t. And that was enough for her, it only mattered that she knew herself, everyone else be damned, but now there’s Alexander and she doesn’t know _why_ but she wants him to know her, the real her, so desperately

Angelica turns and goes to disappear into the crowd, reemerging a few minutes later with Alexander in tow.

“Elizabeth Schuyler, nice to see you again.” he says, and from anyone else it might’ve sounded fake, but she could tell it was genuine.

“You too. Is everything going okay at camp?” she asks

“As well as it can be, I guess.” then he looks at her and his eyes do this sparkly thing that she was sure was only reserved for Disney characters, “Although, if it took fighting this war for us to meet it will have been worth it.” he takes her hand and presses a kiss to her knuckles.

“I’ll leave you to it.” Angelica says from behind them, in earnest, Eliza didn’t even notice she was still there.

He offers her his arm, she takes it and he spins them out onto the dance floor. They meld into everyone else as they lazily sway to the band playing in the background.

“So, Elizabeth-” he begins

“Eliza. Please. Most people just say Eliza.” it bursts out of her

He smiles at her then says, “So _Eliza,_ how is it at King’s?”

“It’s fine, I’m counting down the days until I graduate though. Then I can start to work on the orphanage, hopefully in the next three years it will be done.” she says

He is quiet a moment, then, “Can I ask you something personal?”

“Yes.”

“How can you think so far ahead? I mean we are in the middle of a war with the most powerful army in the world, I don’t even know if I’ll be alive next week, let alone three years.”

She thinks this over for a moment, then, “I guess it’s just a way for me to have something worth fighting for, you know? I have to have hope this war will end in our favor, and to have that hope I need something to look forward to, something to believe in, something beyond our starry-eyed dreams of freedom. I need something tangible, and real and permanent to look forward to.” she explains.

He is looking at her like she holds the entire universe in her hands, she’s not sure she’s worthy of that gaze.

“That is beautiful, Eliza.” he says honestly

The rest of the night is a champagne-stained blur and before she knows it, Peggy is calling her telling her their Uber is here and Alexander is getting called back to camp.

She is turning away after exchanging their numbers then he catches her wrist and she turns back to him.

“Can I write to you?” he asks suddenly

“Why don’t you just call me?”

“I will, believe me, I’ll call and text and email, it’s just I would really like to write, that way we have pieces of each other we can _tangibly_ hold, something _permanent_.”

She steps forward and presses a kiss to his cheek and says, “I’ll text you my address.”

===========

One week later she gets the first letter from Alexander in the mail.

She had been texting him all week wondering “how fucking long does it take to get a letter here, Alex, it’s like ten minutes away?” To which he responded with a quip about how fucked up the British post system was

Then she sees the mailman arrive and she runs out the mailbox to grab it, when she gets back inside her sisters are in the foyer.

“Whatcha got there, Bets?” Peggy asks with a smirk

“Leave her alone, Peggy.” Angelica says

“I can't help it, they're an easy target.” Peggy responds putting her hands up in surrender

Angelica rolls her eyes, “Don't listen to her, you two are disgustingly adorable.”

Eliza smiles at her, “Thanks, Gel.” Eliza goes to run up the stairs to her room, “And hey Peggy! How's Stevie?” Eliza throws over her shoulder and she can imagine the blush on Peggy’s cheeks as she hears Angelica laugh.

Eliza gets to her room and sits on her bed with the letter in her hands. “Elizabeth Schuyler” is printed across the front in his large, loopy handwriting along with her address and his.

She sits there for a long time turning the letter over in her hands, not opening it. There is a tight feeling in her stomach, she cannot bring herself to rip it open.

She's nervous. She doesn't know why.

She takes a deep breath and tears it open.

_Eliza,_

_I have thought a lot on what you said at the gala, about something permanent to look forward to, something to fight for. I have to admit, I never had a plan beyond gaining our independence, actually, I did. I thought I would die with our cause, be remembered for something great and noble in the history books. But you stumbled into my life and flipped everything around. You make me want to fight and live to see what we can become after the war._

_For the first time in as long as I can remember I am thinking past tomorrow. You make me want to think three, five, even ten years in the future, something I never even let myself dream about until now. And when I am thinking about my future I cannot imagine one version of it where you aren’t in it._

_I want to know you, Eliza. I want so desperately to know everything about you. I am sure that you are an amazing person. I would like the pleasure of getting to know that person, if you let me._

_I hope you choose to let me know you, I have an awful good feeling about this._

_Ever yours,_

_Alexander_

She can feel the blush in her cheeks and the ache in her cheeks from smiling so much. She grabs some paper and a pen and immediately begins writing her response.

===========

Of all the people Alexander expects to find at his door at 2 AM, it’s not Eliza. It’s _definitely_ not Eliza, who just texted him telling him she was going to sleep, in her bed, at her home, that is not in his doorway.

“What are you doing here?” he asks for lack of anything else to say

“I-I don’t really know. I just got your letter today and I responded and mailed it off, but then I was thinking about how I’m not sure when I’ll see you again, and-” she starts rambling and he can tell she’s still shaking from the cold, he pulls her inside.

“Okay, come on, come inside. Did you walk here?” he asks once she’s inside

She looks at him sheepishly and nods, “I didn’t want to draw any attention here, so..” she says

She begins to shed her numerous outer layers, and he goes to his little kitchen to make tea. He notices her looking around his living area, if you could call it that. One wall has his writing desk with his mess of maps and papers and pens strewn all across it, lit up by the lamp in the corner. Another wall has the ratty old couch he bought with Herc and Laf and John from a garage sale for a seriously questionable low price, on it are blankets and pillows from when he was too tired to make it all the way to his room to sleep.

He hands her a mug then says, “It’s no mansion, but it’s still pretty good.”

She smiles at him knowingly then she looks at his picture frames on the desk, they’re mostly just of him and the guys, but there is one of his mother, which she picks up. He is maybe five when the picture was taken, things were still good, relatively speaking, (his father was still there and his mother and brother were both still alive.). The picture is a close up of his mother holding him in her arms and Alex is hanging on to her neck laughing about something, his mother is laughing as well, looking at the camera.

“Is this your mother?” she asks him

“Yeah, that was on her birthday when I was like five I think.” he says scratching the back of his head nervously.

She set it down then says, “She’s beautiful.”

“Yeah, she was.” he says, it comes out more sad than he intended

She looks at him with sorrowful eyes, but he shakes his head brushing her off. He leads her over to his kitchen table to sit down.

“So why are you here?” he asks

“I told you, I-” she starts but is cut off by the deadpan look he gives her.

“Why are you here, Eliza? You know we had something planned for next week.” he says

She looks down into her mug for a long moment, he gets up to take the pot of water off the stove. He wonders what could have made her walk all the way here in November the middle of the night.

Eliza turns in her chair to face him where he is leaning against counter, takes a deep breath and says, “I talked about it in my letter but, nothing right now feels _real._  I don’t usually do what I did that night at the gala.” he looks at her bemused and she realizes he doesn’t know what she said to Angelica, “I told Angelica I wanted you, I essentially called dibs on you.” she laughs self deprecatingly then continues, “Okay that sounds a little weird out loud but it’s what happened. My family, and basically everyone I know isn’t used to me taking anything for myself like that. I usually just fade into the background and go with it, and I was okay with that, until I met you.” she gestures her hand out to him. “You know, as soon as I met you at that dinner I wanted you to know me as I truly want to be known. I wanted you to see me for who I was, not as some reflection of what other people see, just 100% me. Then I read your letter and saw you wanted to know me too, and I got _scared._ I got scared because I was all of a sudden unsure that’d you’d _like_ me. And my letter is probably a mess of fear and emotions so I came here, to try and preface it I guess?” she rubs a hand across her face, “God I sound crazy.”

He knits his eyebrows and shakes his head at her and say impossibly soft, “No you don’t.”

He is scared too, he thinks, scared of how much he cares for her, scared of how much she cares back. And it all feels _big,_ their (don’t call it love- not yet) feelings for each other feel so big and real and it terrifies him.

Alex starts moving before he realizes it, just one slow step after the next toward her. (he briefly wonders if this is what the rest of his life will be, always coming back toward her. God, he hopes so.)

She looks at him quizzically, he’s almost halfway to her, “What are you doing?” she asks quietly

“Walking to you slowly.” he says

“Why?”

“Because if I ran, I’d scare you.” he is inches in front of her, he takes a hand and places it gently on her face.

She closes her eyes and gently leans into it, “Alexander.” she breathes out

And he is leaning down to her, they are inches away from each other, her eyes flick down to his lips then back up to his eyes, and she is the one to crash her lips onto his.

And it is not violent, they are not violent, it is the softest thing he’s ever felt.

She stands up and he lists her onto the table. She is all gentle, fervent touches and the desperate _needneedneed_ of touching her skin to his. He takes his time, memorizing every single bit of her skin, like he is charting a map all across her body. They don’t even make it to the couch before she is shoving his shirt off while trying to get her own off at the same time. He is trying to commit this moment perfectly to his memory, but he gives up on that and just hopes he’ll have a lifetime of these moments with her.

===========

She wakes up early the next morning in his bed, funny, she doesn’t remember how they got here. She turns to looks at him, he is facing her still sound asleep, sunlight coming through the window slanting across his face. She can feel herself smiling softly as she traces lazy patterns on his arm.

Coming here last night she felt all over the place, and she got here and just spilled it all out to him and he made her quiet, he quelled every raging thought in her mind, Eliza wasn’t sure he even realized he did it either.

She has to drag herself from his bed, she knows she can’t stay here all day even though she wants to. She leaves him a note:

 

_Alexander,_

_thank you for last night, I know that was a lot to dump on you,_

_thanks for not running, I guess._

_Love,_

_Eliza  (P.S. I’d take your apartment over the mansion any day)_

 

She places it on the side of the bed she was on, (it feels too early to call it “her side”) and kisses his forehead before she leaves.

Eliza checks her phone once she gets outside and sees the texts from Peggy last night telling her she covered for her with their parents. Just as she is about to text Peggy back, her phone buzzes.

_from: Alexander 6:14 AM_

_I would never run from you. see you next week. xx_

She smiles wider than she has in months, and she doesn’t know what to call what she feels for Alexander yet, she just knows that it is real and it’s there. That is more than enough for her right now.


	2. my heart is full of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which we fight, we make up, and we thank our lucky stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god this took a long time sorry about that, it's been kinda crazy with my new job and stuff, but we are moving in the right direction, so ch 3 will probably be a shorter wait for you guys. 
> 
> also timeline stuff: at the end of last chapter it was winter of eiza's senior yr in college (dec-feb), now it is the spring so she has graduated, and by the time this chapter is over it is may or june ish
> 
> as you can tell, I am obviously very technical with my timeline of this fic (lmao i wish)
> 
> enjoy these idiots

They are sitting around a bonfire outside the Schuyler’s house, (they being Alex, Eliza, Herc, John, Laf, and Peggy) after the craziness that was Eliza’s graduation and proceeding party. John and Herc were throwing marshmallows at each other while Peggy (who was sitting between them) tried to run interference and Angelica and Laf were in a deep conversation about European literature. He and Eliza were sharing a blanket, the spring night still a little too cold for comfort, she was laughing at the scene in front of her in which Peggy looked like she wanted to strangle both of them. Their little group here felt so effortless and easy and not forced at all, as it turns out, there are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and surviving a war together just happened to be one of them.  


Alex thinks about how his and Eliza’s lives have blurred together, how her toothbrush is sitting in his bathroom at his place, how his sweatshirt is hanging off Eliza’s shoulders right now, how her letters to him are tucked away in a shoebox under his bed, how their friends are all hanging out together right now, how little pieces of the both of them keep popping up in places they’ve never been before.  


It was like staring at a word search for hours not finding anything, and just when you're about to give up, you find the first word, and then another, and another, and another until you’ve solved the whole thing.  


He loves the way she always forgets her hairbrush at his place, the way he has to text her and ask where he left his keys, the way she looks in the morning laying in his bed, the way they both can sit for hours in her room and do nothing but read or write or just  _ exist  _ in the same space as each other.  


For the first time in a long time, Alex feels almost completely content with his life.  ( _ almost) _  


There is still this  _ thing  _ that hasn’t gone away, and no matter how hard he tries to ignore it, it’s still there taunting him every day. It’s the way everyone gives him a double take when he tells them his rank, the way Eliza’s parents hesitated for a half beat when she first introduced him as her boyfriend, the way words  _ creole bastard  _ will always hang above his head like a sword.  


He tries to push those thoughts stirring in his mind away and focus on the circles Eliza’s thumb is making on his hand and the smile she gives him after he kisses her temple.  


This quiets his mind a little bit, not enough though.  


===========

A little less than a month later, they are at his place again, he is writing another (most likely angry) letter to Congress and she is (trying) to write her proposal for a grant for the orphanage.  


Then it bursts out of him like a shot, “Would you have even noticed me if I didn’t show up at your house as the aide de camp to General Washington?”  


She is taken aback, “Um, I don’t know when I would have met you if you didn’t show up to my house as the aide de camp of General Washington.”  


He looks hurt for a second then he is face is something she cannot decipher, “I knew it.” he says venomously before turning back to his work.  


“What does that mean?” she asks indignantly  


Silence, no writing, no click of keyboards, then, “ _ Alexander.” _  


He turns to her, “You only noticed me because of my position, you only talked to me because of my position, the only reason you’re still here is my fucking position.”  


She is silent, he does not get to do this, he does not get the right to decide anything about her.  


“No.” she starts  


“Yes! No matter how high I rise in the ranks, or how hard I work, or how much I ever make for myself people are always going to look at me different. The first thing anyone thinks of when they hear my name is island bastard. So why should I believe that you were any different? What made you think twice about even talking to me? Just admit-”  


She cuts him off, his accusations striking every cord in her body, “Admit what, exactly, Alexander? That I never really liked you, or do you want me to tell you I spoke to you out of pity? Or better yet, do you want me to  _ finally  _ admit that you aren’t good enough for me? Is that what you were going to say?” she's shouting at him and gesturing wildly with her arms, and he says nothing, just stares at her, “When are you going to stop thinking that you aren’t enough for me? Why does there have to be some conditional on my love for you? Why can’t you just realize that I am here because I want to be here, not out of pity or because your rank made you fuckable? I am here because I love  _ you _ , and everything you are.” she finishes. 

She puts her arms at her sides defeated and she is desperately searching his face for some kind of reaction or sign or something to tell her that he heard her and he understands her. All he does is hold his arm out and she finds herself walking forward to grab it, he pulls her down into his lap and buries his head into her neck.  


“I’m sorry, Betsey.” he mumbles into her neck  


“It’s okay, I just need you to know that I am  _ here,  _ Alexander. I’m not going anywhere.” she places a soothing hand on the back of his head.  


He looks up at her with a grateful kind of smile and says, “You make me quiet.”  


She chuckles a little bit then asks, “Is that a good thing?”  


He purses his lips and knits his eyebrows like he is considering what she just said, “I think so, a lot of times all this shit with the war and just the world in general can feel like so  _ much.  _ I feel so hilariously out of my depth ninety-percent of the time, and you sort of bring me back, you know? Kinda like an anchor.”  


She knows what he is talking about, she felt that way that time she walked all the way here in the middle of the night. Everything in her felt so distant and far away and as soon as she started talking to him, it all felt real again.  


“Yeah I get that. I’d say we work pretty well together, what do you think?” she asks  


“Oh, I would have to agree with you on that one.” he responds and his sentence is punctuated with her laugh.  


She tugs him up by his shirt collar and when she kisses him, they are both smiling.  


===========  


It was early one Saturday morning, and the two of them had nothing better to do than lounge around all day. At the moment, they were sitting on Eliza’s couch in her brand new apartment, two blocks away from his own. He had his feet propped up on some still unpacked boxes labeled “living room” and Eliza’s head resting in his lap, she was reading  _ The Bell Jar  _ for the fourteenth time (or so she told him very proudly thirty minutes ago) and he was just playing with her hair.  


His mind wandered off to when she first took him to the apartment. It was big, much bigger than what a twenty something right out of college needed. It had three bedrooms and a beautiful kitchen and living area. When he asked her about the size this is what she said:  


“Oh, um well I was just thinking about after the war is over, and...you...and...me, and I don’t know, maybe you could move in, and we could stay here for a little while or whatever.” the  nervousness in her voice was obvious.  


This small remark made his entire body flood with warmth because she was thinking about  _ them  _ and  _ their  _ future. He looked around and imagined it, the novel idea of Alex and Eliza, and it was so  _ good.  _ He could see them making breakfast together in the kitchen, or putting the star up on the Christmas tree, or even (if he let himself dream that far) singing the baby to sleep in the nursery. As he looked around, his entire forever was laid out before him, and every part of it included her.  


So he said “Of course, Betsey. I would love to live here for a little while or whatever.” He picked her up and spun her around before peppering her face with kisses.  


Now here he was, on her couch, that would hopefully someday become theirs.  


She got up a few seconds later and said, “I am going to make some more coffee, do you want some?”  


He nodded at her and followed her ( _ always following her _ , he thought, as if he’d ever stop) to the kitchen. He sat up at the breakfast bar and just watched her, her movements were slow and lazy, the morning sun was catching in her hair, and she was humming some song he’d never heard.  


He got to thinking (again) about their little forever, and how he wanted it to begin  _ right now.  _ He knew it wasn’t the best time, with the war in full swing, but when has time  _ ever  _ been on his side? There never seemed to be enough time, he found, and he didn’t want to waste anymore of it not being married to her. (He is surprised the word doesn’t shock him more when he first thinks it.) So before he entirely knows what he’s doing he blurts out:  


“Can I say something crazy?”  


She looks at him haphazardly then nods  


Alex jumps down from his seat and goes to stand across from her in the kitchen and takes both her hands in his own, “Okay, here it is, all of it: I am not much, please don’t try and fight me on this, just hold on a second. I am not much, I’m just some kid who washed up on the shore of New York and joined the army. I don’t have fame or fortune, just me, myself and I, hell I don’t even have a father. But, Eliza, now I have you, and we have  _ each other,  _ and let me tell you that it is everything I need and more.” he pauses for a moment, gathering his thoughts.  


He steals a look at her face, it’s a mix of confused and grateful, like she’s hanging on every word he’s saying, he continues on, “Do you remember the first night you came over, you were all over the place talking oceans and worrying yourself sick?” she laughs and ducks her head down, he takes her chin in his hand so she’s looking up at him again, there is something in her eyes, maybe it’s fear maybe it’s hope, Alex can't really tell, he’s too busy listening to his heart pound in his ears. “I never want you to feel that way again. I saw you that night and all I could think of was that little boy in the Caribbean who was waiting for a dad that would never come home. Eliza, as long as I am alive I swear to God, you will never have to feel that- that  _ helpless  _ ever again.”  


He cannot tell what she is thinking,  her eyes are searching his face, almost like she doesn’t know how to hold all this love he is handing her.  


“Alexander,” she breathes it out so disbelievingly his heart breaks  


“Marry me. Let me spend the rest of my life proving to you that you deserve this love. Just say yes, Liza.” he moves his hand from her chin to the side of her face  


“Okay.” she says, steadier than before  


“Yeah?” you can practically hear the smile in his voice  


“Yeah. Yes. I will, or I do, I guess.” she jokes  


He rushes forward to kiss her and picks her up and spins her around. He puts her down and she leans back enough to say,  


“Now, I gotta warn you about some things.”  


His face turns jokingly serious, “Uh-oh, like what?”  


“Number 1. I suck at doing dishes, like it is the bane of my fucking existence.” she says  


“Okay, I can definitely work with that, I love dishes. What else you got?”  


“Number 2. I apologize in advance for every terrible family gathering I will most definitely drag you to.”  


“Nah, that one’s no biggie. I’ve already been to a couple, and Peggy lends me her flask sometimes, I got it covered.”  


“Oh, I want in on that. Okay, Number 3, I love to knit. I don’t know why, but I am really good at it, and I just really love it. One year I made matching scarves for me, Gel, and Peggy and we wore them in our Christmas card.”  


“Okay, that’s the deal breaker.”  


“Really?”  


“Yeah, and to think, we had a really good thing going.”  


“Aw, man. Well, I see you around then?”  


“Maybe, maybe not. I don’t want to associate with knitters.”  


They both descend into a fit of giggles at his last remark, then she looks up at him and says, “So we are really going to do this?”  


He looks at her, really looks at her, she has her laughter still dancing in her eyes and a hopeful smile on her lips.  


“We’re gonna do this.” then he adds, “You and me?”  


And it is a guarantee, not a promise, that through everything that may happen, every storm or problem or disagreement they will stay by each other’s sides.  


“You and me.” she replies, and Alex swears to this day that this very moment is when he first felt the healing in his bones begin.  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some notes:  
> -the bell jar is pippa's fav book irl  
> -i love to knit, i'm not very fast, but it is a great stress reliever  
> okay i know this chapter was kind of filler, but the next chapter will be when the plot starts to get rolling down the hill.  
> these kids have got it coming for them. but don't worry, we'll make it out. 
> 
> kudos/bookmark/comment please i need attenion and validation <3


	3. we make the past envy the future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which: two idiots get hitched, we get bad news, and we get good news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey,,,remember when i said this chap was going to be less of a wait,,,,welll,,,sorry ? okay but i think the fact that it's nearly 5k makes up for it though. also i was not happy with it while writing it which caused me to edit it, and even now im still not entirely happy with how this chapter turned out, any yet, here we are. 
> 
> anywho here we go ch.3, in which emily finally gets around to starting the fucking plot
> 
> enjoy (thanks to hannah for helping me out<3333)

 

“It’s like a bridal magazine threw up.” Alex said through the speaker of Eliza’s phone, she had him on FaceTime showing him what used to be her kitchen table (which now was a mountain of fabric swatches, floral arrangements, and pictures of wedding dresses)

 

“Oh, yeah. Don’t even get me started on the binders.” she responded, flipping the camera to face her again, sitting down and picking up her wineglass, her sisters had been going a little over board for Eliza’s taste with the whole wedding planning thing, spending every hour of their (very limited) free time at her side going over every single detail she could possibly think of.

 

“Binders?” he asked disbelievingly

 

She nodded then said, “Yeah, giant binders with color coded tabs and everything. Gel says it was Peggy’s idea, which I believe, Peggy once made an itinerary for her entire summer when she was 7, then followed it to a t.”

 

He laughs then she continues, “Well, Gel’s pretty bad too, I think she kinda feels like she missed out on planning her own wedding, you know, with the whole eloping thing.”

 

“I should’ve pulled a JC, whisked you away in the middle of the night.” he says absent mindedly

 

She scoffs, “You’re telling me, I’m looking at 54 different flower arrangements right now.”

 

“It would’ve been fun, just you and me,” he muses

 

“We could’ve ran upstate, or anywhere really, for a weekend.” she adds on

 

“Or a week.” he offers with a small chuckle

 

They fall into a comfortable silence, Eliza comforted by his even breaths and random keyboard clicks. As she traces her finger along the rim of her glass, she thinks back to that summer Angelica went backpacking through Europe and came back married. Eliza thought her mother was going to have a heart attack and Peggy was going to actually die from laughing so hard.

 

“I’m going dress shopping tomorrow.” she says after a while

 

He hums in agreement, “That should be fun.” he say absently

 

“That, or it could be the final nails in my dear sisters’ coffins.” she says

 

He laughs but there is this _thing_ that’s in the back of her head, that’s just kind of been nagging her lately, only exacerbated by the fact that Alex has made a point to Not Talk about it. And now she sees him typing something on his laptop, with a very concentrated look on his face.

 

“What are you doing?” she tries

 

“Oh, um, nothing, just some work.” he says halfheartedly

 

“Alexander.” she says in that way she does when she knows he is lying to her

 

He sighs and looks at her through the camera sheepishly, she says, “Are you emailing your father?”

 

He starts to explain, “Yes, but he responded to the last few, Liza. He responded to the one where I first told him about you, and I sent him the invitation, and I mean it was three weeks ago but I don’t know maybe if I buy his plane ticket or something he’ll show up.”

 

Eliza wants to cry, he cares so much about a father who left him and the rest of his family for dead, and she can't understand why. Well, that’s untrue, she understands perfectly, it’s the exact same reason she cried for a week when her parents wouldn’t let her go try and find her birth parents in China.

 

She wishes she could make Alex’s father come to the wedding, she wishes she could drag him up here herself, but if he hasn’t responded to the invitation yet, she wasn’t sure he ever would.

 

“Do you know where he is now?” she asks

 

“All I know is that he is somewhere in Scotland.” probably on the street somewhere, but he didn’t have to say that, they both knew it.  

 

Eliza doesn’t want to think about Alex on their wedding day desperately looking to see if maybe, just maybe, his father _did_ show up after all, and the broken look on his face that will subsequently follow when he doesn't find him. One time she admitted this to him and he just told her that he would be fine, that he would look out and see all his new family. (she knew he was lying, she hated how she could always tell.)

 

“I know it’s a long shot,” he begins after a minute, “I just- he’s the only family I have left, Betsey. I have to try, I _have_ to.”

 

“I know, I know.” she amends, she doesn’t want him to get more upset than he already is about this, especially because she’s not there with him.

 

A less comfortable silence than the previous one began to fill her up from the inside, so she rushes to fill it.

 

“You know the worst thing about your little sister studying fashion?” she asks him

 

“What’s that?”

 

“You have to know the exact right shade of white to get because “Oh God, Eliza, how could you pick _eggshell_ over _first snow_?” Like seriously, it was like I committed a mortal sin.” she says

 

He laughs, it’s a full and honest one, she relishes in it. Even though she may not be able to solve all his problems, she wants to at least help him through them as best she can.

 

“It’s gonna be okay, you know. Because really, at the end of all of it, the only person I really want there is you.” he says

 

“I love you.” she tells him

 

“I love you.”

 

===========

 

Alex was standing up at the altar bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet like an idiot. He had his hand shoved in the pocket of his dress uniform and was trying to quell the ever growing knot in his stomach. He looked one last time out to the crowd of bustling people in hopes of seeing his father, but just like the last five times he looked, he saw nothing. He didn’t let it cut him too deep this time, instead he focuses on the thought that the kids he and Eliza are going to have will never have to feel this way.

 

It was Washington who came over and said, “Nervous?”

 

He laughed a little then said, “Kind of.”

 

“Good, that means you don’t want to mess it up.” he places a steadying hand on Alex’s shoulder and gives him a kind smile.  

 

That is when the music starts to cue up, the doors to the back of the church opened and the procession began, Laurens and Angelica then Peggy and Laf (Alex fondly smiled at Laf’s attempts at flirting with her), then Herc came out carrying Angelica’s first born, Jeremiah, who was holding the rings in a box in his adorably chubby baby hands. Finally ( _finally_ ) Eliza came out, arm in arm with her father. She looked stunning, but that wouldn’t even begin to describe it really. Her dress was long and beautiful and not flashy at all, just _Eliza_ ,  it had sheer sleeves that were beaded with little gems in a floral design, the flowers continued all through her dress, becoming farther apart at the bottom. Her hair was tied back out of her face and her eyes looked nervous and scanned the room until they landed on him, she smiled and every nerve or fidget in his body faded away in an instant. she was incandescent, Alex was entirely sure that if he turned out all the lights, she’d still be glowing.

 

They reach the altar and she kisses her father on the cheek and gives him a watery smile then turns to Alex after handing her bouquet off to Angelica.

 

She laughed a little bit and whispered, “Hi.”

 

He smiled and took both her hands and whispered back, “Hey.”

 

Alex basically tuned out until it was his turn to speak, too busy trying not to look at Eliza, (because oh my god, no one has ever looked that beautiful in the entire history of the world)

 

“Now I understand you two have written your own vows, Alexander, would you like to go first?” the preacher asks

 

He nods and pulls the crinkled piece of paper he had had since 2 AM that night they got engaged, he takes a deep breath and begins, “Dear Betsey, I know that nothing in this life is promised, not one day, but despite this fact I am going to make some promises anyway.  
I promise to love you at two thirty in the afternoon when you’re happy and two thirty AM when you are sad. I promise to never let your love slip from my hands because it is the most precious thing I have ever held. I promise to be there for you as many times as you have been there for me. I promise to make fun of our kids together and be the most embarrassing parents on the planet. I promise to one day look back with you on all of our family, friends and everything we will have done together and tell you it was all for love, because it will have been. I promise that this love will always be more than enough for me, for as long as I live. I love you, Eliza, with everything I am.”

 

They have tears running down their cheeks by the end of it, Alex can’t be sure, but he thinks he hears one or two sniffles coming from the congregation. Eliza is whispering “I love you” back to him before the preacher prompts her to begin her vows.

 

She unfolds the neatly folded piece of paper with well worn creases, takes a deep breath to get the shakiness of her voice out of the way and begins, “Alexander, I am no writer or poet of any kind, but here is my attempt: you don’t get to choose a lot in this world, but you do get a say in who you love, and I am so happy I chose you. You and your questionable taste in ice cream, your terrible puns, your inhumanly late nights, and your little sentiments you hold so close. And on that note, I am happy you chose me in return, because I find so much of me in you, things I never thought I’d see anywhere else. And we save each other I think, we take turns leading each other from the dark into the light. So let’s do this one thing for each other, I think we can handle that, let’s _stay_. Above all else let’s stay. I have seen the good and the bad in you (and you in me) and when we cannot love each other like we should, let’s stay. Let’s straighten our shoulders, take each other’s battles and stay.” when she finishes she folds up the little paper again.

 

She glances up at him again and he is looking at her like her eyes are constellations, and well, stars are kind of hard to see in New York City. He squeezes both her hands in his and the preacher continues, “May I have the rings?”

 

Herc comes over with a surprisingly quiet Jeremiah and hands the rings over. They each get handed the other’s rings, (simple wedding bands with Alex’s name in Eliza’s and Eliza’s in Alex’s) and take turns sliding them on their fingers.

 

“I do” Alex says a beat too early, just barely cutting off the older man’s words

 

“I do” Eliza says before he can even finish

 

“Then you may kiss the bride.” the preacher says, though he doesn’t finish before Alex is diving forward to meet Eliza.

 

He hears cheers and woots and cat calls but nothing else matters because he is now kissing Eliza Schuyler- _Hamilton._ The world could’ve been ending, the British could’ve won the war tomorrow and Alex wouldn’t’ve care one fucking bit, because the laugh that bubbles out of her chest when they both break apart for air is the prettiest sound he has ever heard.

 

===========

 

Alex has never been more sure in his entire life that something is looking out for him than when Washington told them that they could take four days and go on a honeymoon. Eliza and Alex had been prepared to be apart for an undetermined amount of time after this, or at least until the war ended (hopefully) soon. So those four days were more than either of them could ask for.

 

“Sir, I- I don’t know what to say” Alex said to him

 

“Say _thank you,_ and go get your wife and get out of here, before Peggy starts to make a bigger fool of herself.” he responded. Alex wasn’t quite sure how he felt about the General calling his sister-in-law a drunk fool, but he thinks he likes it.

 

So he ran over to Eliza and politely stole her away from the conversation she was having with Adrienne (who made it over to the states for their wedding) and Lafayette to tell her the news.

 

“I’ll go get a bag I guess, then.” she says. He nods, kisses her quickly and tells her to hurry.

 

Just as Eliza goes, he catches sight of someone he didn’t expect to see.

 

“Well, if it isn’t Aaron Burr.” he says disbelievingly

 

“Sir!” Aaron exclaims back, the old joke from freshman year of college making it’s comeback

 

“I didn’t think you would make it.” Alex tells him, shaking his hand.

 

“Come on, Hamilton. We’re friends, of course I came. Besides seeing you get married is like seeing the eighth wonder of the world. Congratulations.” he joked

 

“That- that was college, I’ve changed. So have you by the way, congrats, Lt. Colonel. Don’t think I didn’t notice you moving up the ranks just because Washington’s got me chained to his desk.”

 

Aaron laughs and ducks his head, “You don’t mean that, you know working for Washington will be beneficial in the long run.”

 

Alex is reminded now why they don’t keep in better touch nowadays, there has always been a rift between them, a subtle competitive nature that thrives just under the bar of dangerous. They dance along the very fine line between friends and enemies, their careers and wits constantly meeting and matching. Alex isn't completely sure Burr even likes him. (but when has anyone been sure about anything concerning Aaron Burr?)

 

“Yeah, well a command of men has always been the dream.” Alex says musingly

 

“Well not when you have a wife, and maybe a family soon. I’m sure Eliza would worry much more if you were actually out in the field.” he reasons annoyingly. (there's this sublte stress on the word "actually" that would only seem like an insult coming from Burr)

 

“Ahh, she worries all the same.” then his curiosity gets the better of him, “What about you, Burr? Seeing anyone recently?” he asks

 

“Not officially.” he says simply

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“I’ve said too much already, Alexander.”

 

“Come on, Burr! Spill!” Alex says childishly

 

Aaron rolls his eyes then says, “She’s married.”

 

“Huh, well I mean that’s not the _worst_ thing-”

 

“She’s married to a British officer.”

 

“Oh shit.”

 

Aaron must catch sight of Eliza as she comes back because he is making his suave exit as per usual Burr, “Congrats again, both of you. Alexander, I’ll see on the other side of the war.”

 

“Burr, I don’t get it. If you love her then go get her, don’t wait for it.” Alex tries

 

“I’ll see on the other side of the war, Alex.” Aaron says finally

 

“Yeah, I’ll see you.” he says with a wave of his hand

 

Eliza, who caught the tail end of that conversation, took his hand in hers then said, “What was that about?”

 

“Aaron Burr has secrets, he doesn’t confide.” he tells her

 

“What else is new, tell me in the car. Right now we have to get Peggy off the table.” she says looking over to where a very drunk Peggy is trying to kick away Herc and JC’s hands while John is trying to pull her down by her waist.

 

“Oh, Peggy, what a delightful handful you are.” Alex remarks

 

“We’ll never be bored that’s for sure.” Eliza says

 

===========

 

The honeymoon was a dream, a four day long dream in a quiet cottage upstate with just her and Alexander. But, duty calls, the orphanage needed her and the war needed Alex. So now Eliza is alone again in the city while Alex is across the river fighting. Well she’s actually not alone, she’s has her sisters who she just so happened to be with today.

 

“Honestly, Peggy anything you showed us would look amazing.” a two month pregnant Angelica said from her place lying on Peggy’s bed.

 

They were currently trying to help Peggy choose an outfit for some Fashion Event she had tonight, (Eliza stopped trying to keep up with the crazy names of all the parties Peggy attended)

 

“While I appreciate that, I _need_ to look on point tonight, you guys. The editor of _Vogue_ will be there tonight and I have to make a great first impression.” Peggy says

 

“Well how can we help then? We didn’t major in Killer Nightlife Looks, like you seem to be.” Eliza says frustratedly

 

“Well I mean Gel practically invented the Professionally Sexy look, and you are Put Together Chic.” Peggy explains as if it's obvious

 

Peggy gives them a frustrated look when neither of them respond.

 

“Whatever, I need to sit down anyway me head is killing me.” Peggy says rubbing the bridge of her nose

 

Angelica flashes Eliza a worried look, she doesn’t get it though, headaches seem to be normal enough, especially with the amount of stress Peggy can put on herself.

 

“Peg, that’s your fourth headache this week.” Angelica says sitting up

 

“People get headaches, Gel. It’s normal.” Peggy says

 

“Okay, but not every day a week, and people don’t usually get blurred vision with them either.” Angelica says looking at her pointedly

 

“Wait, Peggy when did this start?” Eliza asks, taken back by the new information

 

“Just this week, it’s probably nothing though.” Peggy says, although her eyes were closed and she seemed to be in a lot of pain

 

Eliza looks over at Angelica who just gives her a defeated shrug of her shoulders.

 

“Have you gone to the doctor, at least?” Eliza asks, not letting this go

 

Peggy sighs, “No, I mean, why go when there’s nothing wrong?”

 

“Peggy, there is something wrong.” Eliza says definitively, this makes Peggy open her eyes to look at Eliza, she looks almost scared.

 

“Okay.” Angelica says, “How about we go today, I already have to go to get an ultrasound, we’ll knock out two birds with one stone, and save on gas.” she offers

 

“And we’ll be green.” Eliza adds

 

Peggy who was now lying on her bed gave a flick of her wrist and said, “Fine.”

 

===========

 

They had just finished describing her symptoms to the doctor when he made That Face. The face that everyone makes when something is definitely wrong.

 

“It’s nothing right, it’s just my sisters being overprotective, right?” Peggy asked after a beat of silence.

 

“I’m not going to rule anything out, not until we get some tests. Are you able to stay for a while, Ms. Schuyler?” he asks

 

“Um, yeah, yeah I can do that.” Peggy answers

 

“What kinds of test are you running?” Eliza asks unable to hide the worry from her voice

 

“Right now, we are going to do a CT scan, and see what that tells us and go from there.” he says very calmly

 

“It’ll be fine, guys, it always is.” Peggy tells her sisters.

 

They take Peggy up for the scan, she tells them they can go, but Angelica reminded her they all came together, so now it’s just Angelica, Eliza and a very uncomfortable waiting room. Eliza tried everything to take her mind off it, she tried reading the terrible gossip magazines, she stopped immediately when a picture of her and Alex on their honeymoon popped up. (“EXCLUSIVE: Inside Eliza’s Honeymoon Getaway!”) She finally gave up and just watched the nurses bustle behind their desk, she stole a look at Angelica, who had her head leaned back against the wall with her eyes closed and was rubbing her growing belly. This pregnancy had been easier it seemed for her, she wasn’t as sick in the mornings and wasn’t as tired all the time as she had been with Jeremiah. Eliza smiled softly and let her mind drift to what it would be like to be pregnant, she imagines the smile that would break out on Alex’s face when she told him, and the joy of holding a mini version of them in her arms. This keeps her mind occupied until the doctor comes out to speak to them.

 

Eliza taps Angelica on her arm when he approaches them. He comes to sit on a chair across from them.

 

“We looked at the scan and found something, we saw that she has an aneurysm in her brain.” he must see the panicked look they both get because he continues, “Now it sounds scary, but we are giving her medication, and we are going to monitor it very closely.”

 

“Why can’t you just fix it now?” Angelica asks

 

‘We have given her medication to fix it, but it is too small to do anything surgically.”

 

“So now what? Where does she go from here?” Eliza asks

 

The doctor sighs and says, “Unfortunately we have to play the waiting game. We are confident it will go away with the medication, but there is a chance it could grow. She will come back in in about 3 weeks and we will do another scan to see if it has grown or gone down. If her symptoms worsen in any way have her come in immediately. Your sister seems like onne who would try and tough it out, don’t let her tell you she’s fine if she looks like she isn’t, this isn't something she should bite the bullet through.”

 

“Where is she now?” Angelica asks

 

“She’s getting changed. Just make sure she doesn’t get too stressed about anything, it’s not good for her to be having high blood pressure right now.” he says

 

“Like that’ll be easy.” Eliza says

 

“It’ll be fine, Liz.” Angelica says

 

The doctor leaves them and Peggy arrives, then Angelica takes her and Peggy back to her place. It took some convincing but, Peggy is going to stay with Eliza for a little bit, or at least until she gets better. (It was the most quiet option between a house with a toddler, a college dorm, and their parents’ home. Besides, Eliza was getting a little lonely without Alex around)

 

She calls him that night, when Peggy has fallen asleep.

 

“Hey, what are you doing up, it’s like midnight?” he says when he picks up

 

Eliza doesn’t say anything, the emotions that she didn’t let herself really feel today are finally catching up to her. Somehow hearing Alex’s voice has made her so _raw_ with these feelings, she starts to cry.

 

“Eliza? Are you crying, what’s wrong?” he asks in a frenzy

 

She sniffles and manages out, “I’m okay, it’s Peggy.”

 

“What’s wrong, is she okay?” panic still evident in his voice.

 

“She has an aneurysm. It’s not bad yet, or that’s what the doctor said, but she’s still in pain, Alex, she gets these awful headaches and blurred vision. There’s nothing we can do now but wait to see if it goes away or gets bigger, she has medicine that’s supposed to help it. But, but-”

 

“It’s Peggy.” he finishes for her

 

“It’s Peggy.” she says voice breaking, “It’s my baby sister. I was supposed to protect her, and make sure she never got hurt and-”

 

“Hey. This is not your fault, Eliza. Do you understand? This isn’t your fault.” he says

 

“I know, I know, but-”

 

“It’s terrible, people, get hurt, people get sick, it happens, there isn’t anything we can do to change it. We just have to get through it.” he says

 

She is quiet for a while, just listening to him breathe, the gentle reminder that he is alive and he is _here._

 

“Okay.” she says after a long moment

 

“Do you want me to come home?” he asks

 

“You can’t” she wants him to though, so badly, only if so she has someone to lean on.

 

“I bet Washington would let me back for a couple days, if I explained the situation.” he says, she considers it, but what good is he going to do here? The only thing any of them can do now is wait, and that is the thing Alexander Hamilton is worst at. He’d be much more valuable back at camp actually doing something

 

“No, it’s fine. You’re needed there more than here. We’ll be okay.” she says, voice still a little scratchy from tears

 

“Are you sure?” he asks

 

“Yes, Alexander, now go to bed, it’s awfully late.” she says

 

“Well I could say the same to you, missy.” he tells her

 

“Don’t get sassy with me this late.” she says, “Goodnight, Alexander.”

 

“Goodnight, I love you.” he says

 

“I love you.” she says

 

She’s about hang up and then she says suddenly, “Alex, wait.”

 

“What?”

 

“Stay alive.” she says,

 

A beat goes by and then, “I will.”

 

“Okay, goodnight.”

 

“Goodnight.” and then she hangs up.

 

===========

 

The next morning Eliza wakes up nauseous makes a beeline for the bathroom. Once she is done and brushed her teeth three times (she hates vomiting) she makes her way to the kitchen. She was just going to chock it up to the takeout they had last night from that place on the corner that Alex loves, but Eliza is sure doesn’t quality control anything, until Peggy asks her where she keeps her tampons.

 

Everything in her freezes, “What’s the date?” she asks

 

“Uh, the 11th I think, why?” Peggy asks

 

“Shit. Shit Shit Shit Shit.” Eliza says as she runs to grab her phone and open her app that’s supposed to tell her her cycle (both her sisters scoffed when she downloaded it, she defended it, said she likes to be aware) “I’m late. Oh shit.” she says

 

“What does that- oh my god. Are you pregnant?” Peggy says

 

Eliza looks at her terrified, for all her happy little daydreaming yesterday, that was just daydreaming. She isn’t ready for a child, not yet, she’s still in her twenties, there is war going on, in which her husband is fighting.

 

Another wave of nausea is about to hit her then Peggy says, “Okay, it’s alright, we’ll go out and get tests and you’ll pee on a stick and then we’ll know, okay?”

 

She nods, tries not to think  about how she is supposed to be the one keeping Peggy calm, and twenty minutes later she is waiting anxiously for the timer to ding. Once it does she goes to look at them, but before she can she turns to Peggy, “You do it.”

 

“What?”

 

“You tell me.”

 

“Okay, um” there’s a pause where Peggy is trying to make sure she is reading it right and then, “Babe, you’re having a baby.”

 

Eliza looks at her stunned, she doesn’t know what to feel, but Peggy is smiling and that kinda makes her realize that this is good, she is happy about this. There is a little Alexander-Eliza mix growing in her right now, she can’t seem to fight the smile that breaks out on her face.

 

“I’m having a baby.” she says, and Peggy nods enthusiastically

 

“I’m having a baby.” Eliza says again, still not quite believing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a few notes:  
> -JC= john church aka mr. angelica schuyler, we'll give him a proper introduction later, i'm sure  
> -i named ang’s first born after their brother they don’t have in this series simply bc i don't want to deal with 3 philips  
> -lin manuel had literally described pippa soo as incandescent  
> -i made up eliza’s dress so u can too i guess  
> -their wedding bands are based off of i think it was eliza’s wedding band, the picture floating around tumblr somewhere i'll rb it soon  
> -angelica is a lawyer  
> -if you caught my last five years ref, good job (It was subtle but there)
> 
>  some important things;  
> -if you're into hamliza (which i hope you are if you have gotten this far) follow the blog erynn and i made on tumblr!!  
> dailyhamliza.tumblr.com  
> -i made a fic blog!!!!! i'll be posting stuff about my fics that i write there!! you can't ask me questions on there but, if you want you can follow for udates about the fic and stuff!! follow at peepasoo.tumblr.com
> 
> maybe i'll make another blog whhere you can ask me questions if you guys want to, but fornow, if you have questions hit me up on ridleyboyegas.tumblr.com
> 
> okay im done plugging shit now 
> 
> kudos/bookmark/comment please!! i love hearing from you all
> 
> next time: "how long have you known?"


	4. to fight (when you feel like flying)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which: alex comes home, there is a party, memories get promised to be made, and we say goodbye (for now)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my name is emily and I am the Worst Person Alive.   
> this took literally 3 eons to write and I apologize
> 
> sorry about that folks 
> 
> enjoy :)

It had been a quiet morning with Peggy already at class, and Eliza  was trying to solve latest crisis via email in an effort to make the rest of her day go a little smoother. Although she had a feeling that wouldn’t be happening seeing that she was only halfway through at two thousand word email from one of the other board members. 

 

Just as she was learning about the “gross inability of the volunteers” she heard the key turn in the lock. She looked at the clock, still two hours away from when Peggy was expected to be back, she figured Peggy forgot something, or maybe Angelica had come and forgot to text and Eliza was about to get an earful on how she “should really get a buzz system, because the city isn’t as safe as you think it is Eliza, especially now.” She’s just about to open an email from General Washington that is what she assumes to be a reply to the one she sent him a month ago but looked up when she heard two thuds on the floor of the foyer. 

 

“Gel, is that you?” she asks aloud as she walks to the front door. 

 

It was definitely not Angelica, no, it was Alexander. 

 

She notes all the changes that have developed in the month since they have seen each other in the flesh. He looks tired (he always does, but now the bags under his eyes seem to be carved into his face), his shoulders are a little hunched (whether it’s from the war or someone putting them that way she doesn’t know), and his eyes are looking at things, but she can tell he isn’t really seeing them. 

 

“You’re home.” she says, it’s not a question. She isn’t stupid, soldiers don’t usually take weekend trips back home to see their families, especially not on a Tuesday. 

 

He sighs, looks at his feet then back at her, “Yeah.” 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks him

 

“No, not yet.” he says 

 

Without really thinking about it she walks into his arms and buries her face in his neck. He wraps his arms around her, his whole body let out this sigh of relief after a second, she lets herself relish in the fact that she did that. Eliza becomes so content that she doesn’t notice when he pulls away and grazes her slightly swollen stomach with his hand. The realization hits him faster than she can pull away and start to form any thought. 

 

“How long have you known?” he asks, she can’t tell if he is mad or happy or just flat out surprised 

 

“A month or so.” she tries

 

“Eliza, you should’ve told me.” he says knitting his eyebrows and placing a tentative hand on her stomach

 

“I wrote to the general when I found out.” she says

 

“No,” he pulls away slightly, betrayed. 

 

“I begged him to send you home.” she says trying to prove herself

 

He steps back a bit, “You should’ve told me, at least-” he says, she cuts him off

 

“I’m not sorry.” defiance lacing her voice “I knew you wouldn’t want to leave until the war was done, and I respect that, but Alexander, you deserve the chance to meet your child.” 

 

“You know that there is a very real possibility we may end up broke, right? Are you okay with me not being able to give you everything you need?” he asks the floor, voice impossibly low, and if she had heard right, she could’ve sworn she heard him sniffle. 

 

“Alexander, I have only ever needed you.” she says stepping forward and lacing her fingers through his. 

 

He doesn’t stay though, instead almost runs to go sit on the couch. She lets him go, but she isn’t going to give this up. 

 

“Alexander,” she sighs and continues, “look at where you are, look at where you started, you have come so far, that fact that you’re even still alive-” she has to stop herself before she does something stupid like cry, “I know this isn't going to be easy, with all the challenges we are facing now. But this is supposed to be  _ good,  _ we are supposed to be  _ happy.  _ All I need is for you to come home at the end of the day, just stay alive, that would be enough.” 

 

Eliza can’t tell what he is thinking, his back is turned to her, she goes to sit next to him. “If this is about money or legacy, I don’t care. I really don’t care about that stuff,” 

 

“Because you  _ have  _ it, Eliza.” he practically spits  “You have never needed to build your own legacy, you were born into it.” 

 

Her fists clench in her lap, but tries to keep her voice level, she doesn’t want to fight, “You and I both know I have never wanted my family’s legacy.” 

 

“That doesn’t mean you don’t have it.” he turns to her, “I haven’t ever had anything like that, Eliza, and now I am so close to building something for myself, for  _ us  _ and-” 

 

She rockets up from the couch and lets go of his hand, “At what cost, Alexander? Are you really going to sacrifice yourself so our kid can say that their dad was a martyr? No. I’m sorry, Alexander but I won’t let you-”

 

“You cannot tell me-” he says standing up too

 

“ _ Watch me _ .  _ You _ stood up  _ with me _ in front of all of our friends and said, you chose this life, you chose me and our family and every hardship that would come along with it, and I  _ refuse  _ to let you bail on that for some- some- death wish!” she says throwing up her hands

 

She knows that was harsh, instantly she feels guilty the betrayal washes over his face, “Don’t you fucking tell me I’m bailing on us, I am not. I’m-”

 

“You are what? Building a better future? Earning a living? Whatever you want to call it, Alexander, we have to do it  _ together.  _ This is one of the many “worse” parts in “for better or for worse” and it’s going to take both of us to get through it.” she says 

 

“Don’t talk to me like I don’t know what I signed up for. Like you said, I married you too.” he says

 

“Then stay here. Stay with me, help me figure this out. Please.” she says the last word quietly but desperately all the same 

 

He takes her hand and kisses the back of it, she tries to hold back the tears stinging her eyes to no avail. 

 

===========

 

Alex was sitting straight up in bed, he hadn’t been feeling right since their fight earlier, it was almost like they left it unfinished, like there was still more to be said. Neither of them  _ want  _ to fight, especially about this, which is why they let it stop when it did. But just because they don’t want to fight doesn’t mean they don’t have to talk. 

 

He thinks about explaining their current situation to anyone else, still sleeping in the same bed, still brushing feet, still holding each other despite all the hate they just spewed hours ago. It almost feels like they are playing the part of the “Just Married Couple, Happy and In Love”, which felt terrible for him to admit because they  _ are  _ happy and they  _ are  _ in love, but the words “bail” and “death wish” were still banging around in his skull. 

 

_ This is fine,  _ he thinks,  _ couples are allowed to have fights, they are allowed to do this.  _

 

His eyes drift to the wall. There was a really beautiful painting hanging there he is sure Eliza paid way too much money for, he lets his eyes drift to her sleeping form, laying on her stomach with her face in the pillow. She had been out like a light since 8:30, once Peggy had gotten home they all had gone out with Angelica and JC for dinner, and despite being one of two not drinking, Eliza clocked out in the Uber home. Alex had been okay with this, he always loved when she fell asleep on him. 

 

Alex rummaged through the dark to find his phone and check the time, 1:48 AM glared up at him, as well as three texts from Laurens and an email from Herc and nothing from the General. (He wasn’t sure what he expected, though) 

 

The texts were just wondering if he was okay, apparently his exit was not as graceful as he imagined. 

 

The email was the update Alex asked for, not much had changed, they might move west tomorrow. 

 

_ So I leave and he goes right back to fleeing West, figures.  _ he thought bitterly. It felt strange, 

being on the sidelines of the war again. He felt like an angry sports fan, yelling at the TV because the coach called a bad play. 

 

Eliza stirs next to him, “Everything okay?” she asks groggily, turning over to put her head in his lap.  

A half-hearted laugh escapes him, “Yeah, it’s- it’s okay.” he says tangling his fingers in her hair on instinct

“Don’t lie.” she said eyes half shut

 

“I’m not.” he says 

 

“Yeah you are.” she says like she’s known it her whole life, “What’s going on in your mind, Alexander?” 

 

He sighs, looks up at the painting again and wonders truthfully where on this Earth he would be without her.

 

“It’s, it’s just the general.” he finally admits 

 

“The reason you’re back?” she asks, he knows she’s just trying to gently urge him on, he doesn’t mind, he needs to tell her.

 

“Yeah, we just kind of blew up, I guess. I mean I’m pretty sure it wasn’t exactly a healthy relationship to begin with,me being his lap dog and everything, but it finally exploded yesterday.” 

 

He steals a look down at her, because of her angle she can’t be looking at him but he can tell she is hanging on his every word by how quiet her breaths are. 

 

“He called me into his office and yelled at me for a good half an hour before I yelled back. That’s when he told me to pack up and go.” he finishes lack lustered, but he could feel the panic restricting his chest as he began to go more in detail. 

 

Eliza was quiet for awhile, he thought she may have drifted back to sleep until she said, “Remember when I told you I told Washington I was pregnant a month ago?” 

 

“Yes” he wasn’t sure where she was going with this

 

“You don’t think that he sent you back because of that, do you?” her voice is small and it breaks Alex’s heart.

 

He put a hand on her cheek and she shifted to look at him. “No. No no no, if he wanted to fire me because of that he would’ve done it much sooner. Trust me, you had nothing to do with this”,  he told her. 

 

“You sure?” 

 

“Yes, completely.” a beat passes and then, “And hey, I’m sorry for earlier. I shouldn’t have yelled.” 

 

“It’s okay, I’m sorry too, I wasn’t very nice either.” she says

 

He smiles, “Look at us! talking through our first fight as actual married adults!” he says 

 

“I know we are on a roll.” she responds, her face then crosses into something he can’t place before she starts saying, “You are happy about it right? I mean I hate to even ask, but-” she says gesturing to her stomach

 

“Yes, Betsey. I am so happy. Are you kidding? A little one running around will be amazing, crazy but amazing.” he says

 

“Good, I’m glad because I am excited too, kind of scared, mostly excited, but I think that’s normal. I was thinking we could try and persuade Peggy to stay with us even after she gets better, so we could have a built in babysitter.” she says 

 

“I like that, that way we don’t become one of those couples that ends up being on an episode of  _ Dr. Phil _ because they stopped banging after kid #1.” he tells her 

 

“Oh thank God, I don’t own nearly enough sweater sets to become that couple.” she says 

 

They both laugh, and then he’s looking at her and all he can really think of to ask is, “Do you have any names?” 

 

She considers this, “Not yet, I think my parents would like us to name it Philip or some other family name because Angelica didn’t. I don’t mind Philip though, it’s better than naming it after our great grandfather Bartholomew.” 

 

He lets out a snort, “Bartholomew?” 

 

“Oh yeah, don’t worry the only way we name any of our kids that is over my dead body.” she says 

 

“Philip Hamilton.” he says trying it out, and hums in approval, “I like it.”

 

She smiles at him and it rivals the stars outside their window. 

 

===========

 

Eliza blames Peggy for all of this, and okay, maybe Angelica a little bit too. 

 

They had all agreed as a  _ team,  _ mind you, that no one would tell their parents Eliza was pregnant except for Eliza. If someone else told their parents, let’s say a  _ very _ excited sister (or two), said person(s) would not be able to stop the freight train of excitement and parties and announcements that would without a doubt follow, and before any of them knew it, half of New York would be invited to the baby shower before Eliza got so much as a text. 

 

(hard cut to Eliza now, in the doorway of her parents home, with half of New York having just yelled “surprise” in her and Alexander’s faces)

 

She didn’t freak out though, Eliza had been a Schuyler too long to not have a good poker face. Truthfully it wasn’t  _ terrible,  _ there were only three baby themed games and only five people have asked about names. 

 

As soon as she and Alexander had finished their Mandatory Guest of Honor Rounds, she starting looking for her sisters. 

 

“There, by the mantel,” Alex said as he nudged her “It’s like they are avoiding us, they’re herding.” he finished, a little betrayed

 

He was right, Angelica, Peggy, JC, and Stevie were all by the mantel talking. JC was the chosen lookout it seemed as he kept very noticeably checking over his shoulder presumably for any sign of them. 

 

Eliza waited until he looked again and waved when his eyes scanned over to where they were. His eyes widened almost comically and he whipped his neck so hard Eliza was sure he’d get whiplash. 

 

“C’mon.” she said, fake smile still on, and dragged Alex over to them

 

“Hey, Eliza! How are you?” JC tried with all his English charm once they reached him

 

“You are incredibly smart JC, but not at all slick.” she said “Hey Stevie, I don’t think you’ve met Alex have you?” Eliza asked her sweetly

 

She looked a little flustered then said, “Uh, I don’t think so.” 

 

“Great, why don’t you guys go with JC to go get to know each other? I am just gonna steal my sisters for a second, okay?” Eliza said taking each one of her sisters’ arms, she could see Peggy mouthing the words ‘help me’ to her girlfriend over her shoulder. 

 

She took them into the kitchen where the catering service was plating food to be passed around.  

“I thought we had a deal.” Eliza says once they get there

 

“Technically it was a conversation.” Peggy said, then moved to the counter with all the food 

 

“Yeah, it wasn’t a blood oath.” Angelica said

 

Eliza looked at them unamused, “I said I didn’t want any party, and I knew if you told Mom and Dad without me that’s what we would get. It’s just not what Alex needs right now.”

 

“He looked fine, is something wrong?” Angelica asked

 

“He’s been very moody and angsty lately like some kind of 90s heartthrob teen.” Peggy said, mouth full of finger sandwiches 

 

Eliza gives her a look then says, “Washington sent him home, they had a fight or something, I’m not entirely sure. The point is he’s home now, and he isn’t sleeping well and I don’t know, I don’t want to put more stress on him because all his friends are still fighting and-” 

 

Angelica grabs her shoulders, “ _ Breathe,  _ Bets. It’s okay, Alex is a grown man, he can take care of himself. Besides, no use in getting you stressed, especially with the baby.” 

 

“Oh yeah, does stress factor into morning sickness? Because it’s been a bit inte lately.” Peggy said with half a mouth full

 

“How are you eating this much, Peg? You are so little.” Angelica asked 

 

“Doctor has me on new meds for the aneurysm, so no alcohol. This is my trade off.” she answers holding her little plate up 

 

They roll their eyes, then Peggy asks, “You do like it right? I mean I know it isn’t what you wanted but, we just thought the first baby deserved something special. Also Ang isn’t letting me plan her a baby shower for number two and I had some really great ideas after Adrienne's last month.” 

 

“Yeah I guess it isn’t half bad. Thank you guys, really.” Eliza said looking at both of them 

 

“Good. Now let’s get back out there, we still have two hours left and Peggy is making sure we will definitely run out of food before then.” Angelica said as she led them back out. 

 

===========

 

They had survived the party and now Eliza was somewhere in the living room amidst a sea of baby paraphernalia, Peggy was staying with Stevie tonight so it was quieter than usual. Alex could see her from the little window in the kitchen trying to make a list of some kind. He decided now would be a good time for his own gift. 

 

“Hey.” he said when he plopped down next to her.  She groaned and leaned down so she was almost laying fully on top of him. 

 

She overdramatically covers her eyes with her arm, “I don’t want to even look at one more onsie, let alone fold it” 

 

He chuckles, placing a hand on her head “Well do you have the energy to open one more gift?” 

 

“I don’t know, maybe, maybe not.” she said like she could go either way on it

 

“C’mon, up you go, rally Betsey, rally.” he says as he pushes her up, not without much groaning from her though. 

 

“Okay. I’m up.” she said when she got there 

 

He grabs the gift from the table where he grabbed it and hands it to her, it’s wrapped in light blue paper and tied with white ribbon. 

 

“Peggy helped me wrap it, that’s why it’s so nice and the ribbon is so fancy.” he said as she began to open it 

 

Inside was a book, a scrapbook, with a simple leather cover and a little gold plated square in the middle that said, “The Hamiltons”. 

 

“Alexander,” Eliza whispered running her hand along the cover 

 

“Open it.” he told her

 

She did, and on the first page was the picture of Alexander and his mother he showed her that very first night, and there was also the Christmas card picture of Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy in their matching scarves she knit them. Eliza almost missed it, but on the inside cover, the words “Look at where we are, look at where we started.” were scrawled in Alexander's messy handwriting.  

 

“Oh, Alexander,” she said

 

“Just keep going.” he said

 

The next page was a picture of them at their wedding and the papers they both wrote their vows on. The one after that was a light blue page, it had a sonogram picture on it and in Alex’s handwriting under it, “Philip, 12 weeks” the rest of the page had baby themed stickers decorating it. 

 

“The rest are blank, because, well it’s us, or it’s going to be. We are going to fill the whole damn book with every embarrassing, adorable picture of our kids and every little memory we find along the way.” He scoots closer and takes both her hands, “Eliza, I am going to be here for you, for our family,  _ forever.  _ And yeah, this is about the scariest thing I have done in my whole life, but you-  _ you  _ are what makes me think I can do it. I have literally no idea where on this fucking planet I’d be without you, Betsey.” 

 

“Alexander,” she starts

 

“Yes?” he asks

 

“I love you.” she says, almost like she’s out of breath

 

“I love you. You and me?” he asks 

 

“You and me.” she lays her head on his shoulder and after a minute she says, “I can’t believe you scrapbooked for me, Dr. Phil here we come.” 

 

He laughs, “Shut up, knitter.” 

 

===========

 

It’s another few weeks before Eliza  _ really  _ begins to show. Now she had to buy clothes from the maternity section and steal a lot of Alexander’s t-shirts. 

 

Alex had gone out with JC for a guys day or whatever (she didn’t really listen past “sailing”) and Peggy was at a doctor's visit. So when the doorbell rang Eliza was the only one there to answer it. 

 

Lafayette is on the other side. 

 

“Laf? What are you doing here, I thought you were in France?” she said bemused

 

“I was, now I’m back and I need to speak with Alex. Is he home?” he asked

 

“Um, he isn’t. Did you drive here from camp? Why do you need to speak-” that’s when it hit her. 

 

Alex got word from the guys that Laf was going back to get aid, a last ditch effort, if it worked they would win the war. Now here is Laf standing on her front porch with a hurried expression, but not dismal, definitely not an expression of someone who had lost a war. 

 

It worked. Laf got help from the French, the war was going to be won. But they needed Alex. 

 

She unfroze herself from her initial shock when Laf said, “It will not be more than a couple of weeks, Eliza do not worry.” 

 

She spots a letter in his hand, “Did Washington write that?” she asks 

 

“With a pen and paper. He isn’t kidding, we need Alex to win this war.” he tells her. 

 

She knows this, she’s always known how much they have needed him, and him going back will mean freedom for countless lives, she will give him back.  

(but that doesn't change how much she doesn’t want to.) 

 

“I’ll make sure he gets it.” he hands her the letter, she catches his hand, “Laf, make sure he comes back.” then she adds, “Make sure you  _ all  _ do.” he squeezes her hand, tells her a car is coming for him in the morning, and leaves. 

 

Eliza’s breathing becomes ragged as she closes the door, the hand with the letter clutches her stomach, she slides down the back of the door. 

 

She allows herself these few moments to lose all control, let every terrible scenario enter her mind, every tear fell down her face, every sob claw it’s way out of her throat. 

 

Fears of living without him enter, fears of him never meeting his son, fears that they will never be free, fears of raising their son alone. 

 

Then she reminds herself how good he is at his job, how good Washington is, how good they all are, and she pulls herself together. 

 

He comes home half an hour after Laf leaves (fifteen minutes after her breakdown) and three thuds signal his entrance. 

 

‘Hey, I’m home.” he calls “I seriously cannot fathom how filthy rich JC is. He practically owns half of New York Harbor.” his demeanor quickly changes when he sees her. 

 

She is sitting at the kitchen table staring at the letter still closed in front of her. When he entered she said, “Laf came with this today.” 

 

He picks up the letter, “Laf as in Lafayette What is he-” he stops before he even opens it, his eyes snap up to meet her somber ones. She can’t tell what his face is, maybe happy, maybe sad, probably a little bit of both. 

 

“You didn’t open it.” he says, it’s not a question

 

“Didn’t have to, I know what it is. Besides, Washington hand wrote it, that seemed personal.” she says 

 

“You aren’t asking me to stay.” he says

 

She feels fresh tears prickle behind her eyes, “I want to. I want to run away some place we can be safe and never worry about a war again.” she pauses, collects herself, and stands to meet him, “But, Alexander, what ever happened between you and the General is clearly being put aside because that’s how  _ big  _ this is, they need you, the  _ world _ needs you. You going back there means we come back  _ free.  _ You going back means that you and me and Angelica and Adrienne and every other family will get to raise their children in a world without the oppression of the monarchy. You are going back.” she goes silent for minute then, “Just come home. Stay alive, please.” 

 

Now he looks like he wants to cry or kiss her, he does both. 

 

===========

 

The next morning he leaves at the break of dawn, he said goodbye to Peggy last night so it’s just him and Eliza in the living room. She is sitting on the couch with her tea trying to make sure he has everything, meanwhile he is trying to remember how to be Col. Alexander Hamilton again. It had only been about three months, but it had felt like years. 

 

“Okay, they’re here.” he said when he got the text. 

 

She got up and helped him put on his coat, he kisses her before she could say goodbye. He didn’t want to, it felt too final, like he would never see her again. Thankfully she understands what he meant (she always did) and she just straightens his collar and says, “Okay. You know what to do.” 

 

He gets another text telling him to hurry up, he kisses her again, and clutches her growing stomach. She hands him his bag and he leaves. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright alright alright
> 
> so this is looking like it may be 12-14 chapters so there is that  
> we saw more of my actual husband, John Church, what a blessing  
> I had a very hard time writing the scene where he comes home and I'm still not entirely in love with it, but whatever! 
> 
> catch me on tumblr: peepasoo (i can finally get asks!!!) or dailyhamliza
> 
> next up: the world turns upside down and peggy gets her claim to fame


	5. if this really means freedom (not yet)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which peggy saves the day, we win, and hope we live to see the glory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, rising from my grave: I got my lazy ass to finally write this 
> 
> sorry about they literal months between these chapters
> 
> also, I did not come here to be a historian, I do not claim to be one. I realize that this is so not accurate, but w h a t e v e r. 
> 
> anyway hope ya like it :)

 “It's not _safe,_ Elizabeth.” her mother pleads through the phone.

Alexander has been gone for a week and a half and the war has escalated to the boiling point. At least three riots have broken out a block from their apartment, to someone not on the inside, the end of the fighting looked bleak and almost nonexistent.

Angelica and her family have been at their parents’ house for a week. This is the seventh time her parents have tried to get her to do the same.

“Mom, I am telling you it's okay. You know what Lafayette said, the war is almost over, it just this last bit we have to get through and the it's done.” she tries to reason.

“How long is this bit going to last, Elizabeth? When is the last time you have heard from Alex?” she asks

Eliza hasn't heard from Alexander since he left, but she tries to think of that as little as possible. She saw him on the news three days ago, behind Washington who was giving an update. 

A lot can happen in three days. But again, she isn't thinking about that.

“Will you stop worrying if we come up there?” she finally says, an exasperated breath leaving her

“Mostly, but I never stop worrying.” her mother says good naturedly

“We’ll drive up tomorrow.” Eliza tells her

They say goodbye and she hangs up.

Eliza texts Alexander, not sure if he will get it, cell service has been spotty lately seeing as her apartment is creeping closer and closer to the edge of a war zone.

She tells Peggy they are leaving, asks how she's feeling for the millionth time, reminds her to take her medication before she goes to sleep, and plops down on her own bed.

Some parenting book Eliza had got suggested talking to the baby, because they can hear you and it's supposed to be good for them. She has been talking to Philip every night before she falls asleep, giving him updates about the war, her fears, sometimes even singing to him when she had nothing else to say.

Eliza isn't sure that wartime updates and fears of death are the best thing for her developing baby to hear, but it puts her at ease and she feels like it puts him at ease as well.

She is seven months pregnant, a lot has gotten harder and every time she goes to her OB-GYN she jokes about how Eliza is probably ready for it to be over. Truth be told, Eliza didn't really mind a lot of the pregnancy. She feels so important because she is sustaining and growing a life inside of her. The part that really scares her was having to nurture him and care for him once he entered into the world.

Her last words to Philip before she drifts off are from some French song she learned in high school.

 

===========

 

It’s been a week since Eliza and Peggy came up to Albany, and three days since she last heard from Alexander.

Philip’s movements had been waking Eliza up early lately, and Peggy had gotten used to waking up too, after having lived with Eliza for months.

They had taken to watching the sun rise on the swinging bench on their parents’ porch.

This particular morning, it had just been Peggy watching the sun rise, and Eliza came out around 7 to join her.

“Looks like you got some more sleep, huh?” Peggy says as Eliza sits down

“Yeah, a full three hours, and I enjoyed every minute. But, of course, there's no way Mommy gets to sleep in past 7” She says the last part to Philip.

Peggy pulls a face, “I still can't get on that train by the way” she gestures vaguely to her stomach, “You just look so funny when you do it.”

Eliza slaps her and Peggy laughs.

Suddenly, they notice a figure walking up the path to the door.

“Who is that?” Eliza asks

Peggy doesn't look away from the man, “I’m not sure.”

He gets closer and they both see his British uniform. Without speaking to each other, Eliza goes inside to wake everyone up. Peggy stays outside.

Eliza rounds up her mother and Angelica and takes them to a guest room upstairs near the front of the house.

She peaks through the curtains to see Peggy talking to the soldier, she also sees the other twenty men who have surrounded the house.

Eliza presses her ear near the window to try and make out anything. Her heart hammers in her chest, above it all.

“Can I help you with anything, sir?” Peggy asks

“We are looking for General Schuyler, heard he might be here.” the soldier says

“I am sure he is at his camp, why would he be home in the middle of a war?” Peggy asks

Eliza's mother takes a flashlight out of the closet and beings doing -what she thinks is- Morse code out the window on the side of the house. It was a signal for help from what Eliza could tell.

She remembers when she was younger, her father taught them Morse code “in case they ever needed it” he had said. Eliza almost laughed now, because back then her mother didn't like when he taught them --she didn't want to think of them ever being in a position where any of them had to use it.

“We are going to take a look around how about that?” Eliza hears the British soldier sneer.

“We have nothing to hide, I'm not sure what you are looking for.” Peggy says

“Oh my god.” Angelica says suddenly

Eliza looks at her “What?”

“Jeremiah” Angelica has gone pale.

Jeremiah is not with them, he is in his room, down stairs.

Eliza sees Peggy walking inside.

“Peggy. Peggy will see him still in his room, he still sleeps with the door open a little right?”

Angelica nods, her eyes are frantic, their mother is still flashing the light for help.

“It'll be okay, but none of us are leaving this room. Okay?” Eliza says

Angelica nods, her mother does too.

Eliza can't see anything outside the window but the sun still rising. The soldiers must have gone around back because Peggy walked in the front door alone.

Heavy footsteps suddenly echo through the house. They hear shouts of “clear” from the soldiers downstairs. Then it's silent for a while, one of the soldiers talking to another, no audible footsteps.

Then a loud creak.

It was Peggy on the stairs, she knew it. There was one step that had creaked since they were kids, no one had bothered to fix it. Eliza wishes they had now.

Shoutings of “what do you think you're doing” and “stop” come from downstairs.   

Then Peggy's voice, “My father went to get help. You obviously know who he is and what is capable of, I suggest you leave before this gets _out of hand_.”

She turns and runs up the stairs, a loud thud of something hitting a wall maybe, a gunshot, and then Peggy bursts through the door, Jeremiah in her arms.

Angelica grabs him from her and Eliza immediately asks what happened.

“They are gone, they left as soon as I told them dad was getting help” she is out of breath from adrenaline.

“Sit. Your blood pressure is probably way too high after that” Eliza says.

“Is everyone okay?” their mother asks

“Yes, but the wall isn't. There is a knife in it -oh and a bullet hole.” Peggy answers

They all laugh around the collective breath of relief.

  


===========

 

At 7:20 AM a private woke Alex up in his tent saying a distress call had been received from the Schuyler house.

He blows past him and heads straight for Washington.

“Sir-” is all he gets out before Washington’s hand stops him

He is currently on the radio talking to what he hopes to be the soldiers at the camp nearest to the Schuyler’s, the ones who should have responded to the distress signal.

“Only one shot fired? Okay, no injuries? Good. And you said they are gone now? Okay. Is that all?” He looks up at Alex who is bouncing anxiously, eying the radio.

“Can you put Mrs. Hamilton on?” Washington asks, only slightly exasperated

Washington holds out the headset to him and holds his hand up and mouths “five minutes” then walks out.

He nods and waits for Eliza to say something through the shitty headset that looked like it was made twenty years ago.

“I hope you didn't make this _very_ nice private want to quit.” she says, her voice sounds normal, even a little playful

He breathes a sigh of relief he didn't know he was holding and chuckles, “Well sometimes they have to learn the hard way. Are you okay?”

“Yes. We are all fine, just shaken up I guess.” she says, he can hear the worry in her voice

“You know that your parents’ house is the safest place you can be right now, Bets.” he says gently “How is Peggy?” he adds

“She is fine, trying to get her blood pressure down right now, but okay. She is braver than all of us. Probably saved us all today too.”

“We always knew she was brave, though.” he tells her, “Bets-”

She cuts him off, “We are really _all_ okay, I promise.”

He smiles, “Okay. Well, it's good to hear your voice again.”

“I miss you.” she says, earnestly

He feels a stab of longing in his chest, “Me too. Not much longer, honey, I promise.”

“I know. Okay, you should probably go. Important war things and what not.” she says

“Yes, and what not” he agrees

Two full beats pass then, “Stay _alive_ , Alexander.”

He can't say I will because he can't promise her anything _like that_ now. So he just tells her what he knows.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” and then he goes outside to get the general.

Once he is back on with the men he orders they move closer to the house and to tell the men on the next rotation to keep a close eye on the gate.

  


===========

 

Their plan, Rochambeau, took action one week ago today, Alexander realizes one morning as he is giving an update to Lafayette who is in Chesapeake Bay.

Since the initial attack, the fighting had been non stop, both sides took heavy losses but with the added support of the French, the Continental Army felt worlds stronger than when they were at Valley Forge.

No one wants to get their hopes up, but it looks like today might be the day the British finally agree to end this. The surrender that came a few days ago had brought things to a halt, only a few skirmishes here and there, but mostly things had shifted to tending to wounded and counting the dead.  

“Has the general said anything about it?” Laf asks when Alex mentions this to him

“No, but he has been on the phone with the other guys lately, so just hold on out there a little longer.” he tells him

“Will do, update us as soon as possible. Stay safe out there, big shot.” Laf says

He chuckles, “You too.”

As if on cue, Washington walks in the tent as soon as Alex hangs up the phone.

“Sir, that was Lafayette. Everything in Chesapeake is going fine, pretty much same as here. The attacks are weaker -if not non existent- and the forces are retreating. After the surrender, they have pretty much been in cleanup mode as well.” he notices a piece of paper in his hands, “What is that?”

“A treaty, from the British General. If all goes well, this will be signed in twenty minutes.” he says plainly, like he didn’t just wave the paper that would change the world and begin sovereign American freedom.

“ _Twenty minutes?_ ”

“Twenty minutes.” he confirms

Alex, for the first time in a while, has nothing to say. Twenty fucking minutes and then America is free, twenty fucking minutes and Alex become one of the people to create the country, twenty fucking minutes and the world will never be the same.

Washington has never been a counting-the-eggs-before-they-hatch person, but there is a hopeful look on his face as he stares down at that paper. It's one Alex isn’t sure he has ever gotten the pleasure of seeing: pride mixed with something like relief and utter elation.

“Sir?” Alex says cautiously, it’s every question he can’t bear to ask, in one word.

He looks up at him, same look still on his face, “Not until the paper is signed.”

Alex looks at the time, “Seventeen minutes.”

“Seventeen minutes.”

Alex isn’t allowed in the tent when it happens, so he is waiting anxiously outside with his battalion and Hercules, who arrived with his men ten minutes ago. They called Laf and John as soon as they could. Now it’s just stagnant.

Some men are happy and talking softly, but most are just waiting, legs bouncing eyes dead set on the tent flap.

Alex looks over to a tree and sees Burr, leaning up against it, seemingly peaceful amidst the sea of anxiety. He chances a walk over to him.

“Burr.”

“Sir,” he finishes with a small smile.

“Happy to see you made it out the other side.” Alex tells him

“Same to you. Congratulations, by the way.”

He knits his eyebrows

“Your son.” Burr fills in

Alex smiles to the ground, “Thank you. I hear you have a daughter on the way as well?”

Burr chuckles slightly  in conformation, Alex claps him on the shoulder, “I am glad things worked out with you two, you deserve to be happy.”

His eyes fill with appreciation, “Thank you, Hamilton. Same to you.”

Then they hear a gasp through the crowd that had formed, and the tent flap flips open. Washington emerges with the British general in tow.

“The war is officially over.” Washington states, not beating around the bush

Everything else said after that doesn’t matter, cheers erupt as soon as the last word leaves the general’s mouth and before Alex knows it, there is almost a full on riot.

He has pictured this moment a thousand times over in his head, but never like this, he pictured complete movie-esque glory and blazing guns and smoke filled skies. And a lot of the war was that, but not this, no _this_ is something entirely different. This is every weight being lifted off his shoulders, every problem being solved. This was salvation and oxygen and glimmering hope.   

Herc comes to clap him on his shoulders and his trance is broken, he fully takes in the scene around him, shouting and jumping, and a lot of crying, surprisingly. He sees the general all the way across the sea of people, they meet eyes.

Alex thinks back to the day he got back to camp after being rehired, more specifically a phrase he had said to Alex. _History has had it’s eyes on all of us here, but from here on in, it’s eyes are on you, Alexander._

In these first moments of American freedom, Washington’s face looks the same as it did then. Alex isn’t quite sure what he meant, well that’s not true; on a basic level he understood what the general meant, but the way the phrase still looms in his face makes Alex wonder if he knows exactly how the rest of his life will play out.

The notion that history has it’s proverbial eyes on Alex makes him feel wonderfully obligated, it is everything he has ever wanted, a legacy, a stake in how the future was going to run, a cosmic say in what happens, if you will.

But nothing in Alex’s life has ever come free.  Washington’s eyes are giving him further proof of this now. Alex wonders if he is trying to warn him about eventually gaining too much power, warning him of the weight the title “The General” possesses. Or maybe he is warning him of what he will have to give up in order to make this country all they want it to be.

It’s probably a little of column A and a little of column B, he decides because Herc suddenly thrusts a beer into his hand, (from someone’s secret stash, he is sure) and everyone is beginning to sing some very off key drinking songs.

“Let’s all be glad we made it here on out. To the new nation!” Herc shouts in his booming voice

Cheers follow and so do more songs, there is a lot Alex doesn’t know about the future but here is what he does:

America is a new, free nation

He will get to meet his son

Burr and Herc should never quit their day jobs to be lounge singers

 

===========

 

Eliza woke up (later than 7, she’d like noted) to the news blaring about retreating, or treaties or something else that sounded similar. She fell asleep on the couch, Angelica and Peggy are both up she realizes because they both are watching the television intently.

“What happened?” she gets out

“Washington just proposed a treaty to the British.” Angelica says

“Did they sign it?” Eliza asks

“Not yet, but they would have to do it face to face. No way Washington is going to let this war end via fax machine.” Peggy says

Eliza snorts, the news program continues to speculate about when and where and how it will be signed --if it is signed. But no news comes until about ten minutes later when they announce the generals are currently meeting in the American camp to sign the treaty.

She wonders briefly, if Alexander is in that tent. Probably not, Washington would want the final moments to be personal and discreet.

They show a wide shot of the men who have gathered around the tent waiting for news, they look weathered and tired but mostly anxious.

Her sisters look suspended sitting on the edge of thier seats, even the TV looks paused as they all wait for Washington to step out.

In the moments before all of world history is changed forever, Eliza thinks how she was still in college when the war started, now here she is, on the cusp of starting an orphanage, seven months pregnant and married. Angelica wasn’t married until about a year into the war, and she is pregnant with her second child. She wonders if the war is making them make these seemingly rapid life changing decisions, she wonders if there was no war, would she still make the same decisions she had.

Her mind flicks back to the first real fight she had with Alexander, about this very thing.

She looks at Peggy, who has become much slower and less bouncy than she had been her whole life. Nobody really knows how much time they have left with her, but that just makes every moment more special.

Eliza is glad, whatever the outcome, she has her sisters with her for it.

A large uproar rips through the crowd, all three of them jump.

“What did they say?” Peggy asks immediately

“They haven’t said anything yet.” Angelica says

The soldiers all seem happy from this really shitty wide angle, from the best Eliza can tell. The broadcast cuts back to the newsroom and the anchor is smiling very widely.

“Ladies and gentlemen, what you just saw was the soldiers’ live reaction to Gen. George Washington confirming we have won the war.”

It doesn’t feel real, none of it feels real. Eliza is one-hundred percent sure she will wake up in five seconds and this will all have been a dream. But it isn’t, she confirms with herself, when Angelica and Peggy let out gasps and strangled cries of relief. The TV is now showing the wide shot of the soldiers celebrating. Somehow the news station has gotten a better angle and is showing closer up footage of the soldiers, it’s quick but Eliza catches Alexander in the back looking happy and healthy.

Eliza lets out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding for this long.  Alexander will get to come home and meet his son. She can raise Philip, and all her future children, in a free nation. 

She hears a loud chime of a bell.

“Is that-” she starts

“The church bell, the one from town.” Angelica confirms around her big, goofy grin.

With a lack of anything else to do, Eliza laughs. It’s carefree, the first one in months, it feels good to know a part of your future is promised to be bright. Peggy throws an arm around her shoulder and Eliza embraces her.

“Are you ready to go home” she asks her younger sister

Peggy nods, “Most definitely.”

 

===========

 

Two weeks after the war ended, Alexander called her to say he’d be coming home in a week. Now here she is, one week later, standing in what will become Philip’s nursery, with soft yellow paint smudged all over her.

The nursery was the first project Eliza took on once she and Peggy got home. She was thinking of painting it a light gray so she could add any colors she wanted as accents, but Peggy had insisted it should be yellow.

 _Eliza, it’s proven that if a baby is surrounded by happy colors, like yellow, in their first years they go on to have happy lives._ Peggy had told her in Home Depot

She wasn’t sure that was true, and Eliza knew the only reason Peggy wanted it to be yellow so bad was because she never got to paint her room that color when she was younger, and it is her favorite color.

They had been working on covering the walls for a couple days, and Eliza had just put the finishing touches on the room. She took in her work.

It made the room feel open, and bright. The yellow wasn’t a deep one, more pastel and it made Eliza feel so content. There was a nice breeze coming in through the window and Eliza breathed it in deeply.

“I like the color.” a voice comes from behind her

It’s Alexander, her mind places it immediately, she’d know him anywhere, after any amount of time, through anything.

She can’t come up with any good response other than to turn around and run toward him. He catches her when she practically flings herself into his arms, he only stumbles a little in surprise.

There could be a fire alarm and Eliza wouldn’t hear it, a meteor could crash into the earth and Eliza wouldn’t care, the only thing she is focused on is Alexander, back home, safe. His hand is gripping the back of her head tightly and she does not want to let go either.

She first realizes she’s crying when she hears herself sniffle, then she hears Alexander sniffle as well. After that the dam broke, they collapsed onto the tarp covered floor, right in between a bucket of paint and a step stool. Alexander just kept muttering things over and over like, “I’m home, I’m here.” or “I love you”.

And as strange as it sounds this moment -in her paint covered pants and sobbing on the floor- is the first time Eliza feels like all three of them are a family.  

She lifts her head off his shoulder to look at him, he puts a tender hand on her face rubbing at some paint in her hair. Sure, he looks a little worse for wear, the war having taken it’s hefty toll, but he was still her Alexander. He still had the same passionate eyes, same golden skin, same warm, tight lipped smile, nothing could take that away from him.

“I can’t wait to start our life with you.” she says before she realizes it’s coming out of her

He smiles, and tilts his head. He must decide he doesn’t have any words worth saying because all he does is kiss her lips fiercely.

It’s not until a few seconds later she realizes, it’s not that his words weren’t worth saying -it’s that they wouldn’t have done the moment justice.

But Eliza really doesn’t mind, she is perfectly fine with not talking for a while.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the calm before the (shit)storm
> 
> srsly the next chapter is rough as hell, let's hope i doesn't take one billion years to write
> 
> kudos/comment/bookmark please I need validation to survive !!
> 
> but fr though you guys make me really happy and i appreicate you reading my work
> 
> come say hi @peepasoo on tumblr too


	6. some divine cry for help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which we weather the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey heeeyy
> 
> ok i'm really excited for this chapter because it's the gateway for things to start moving along quicker on my side of things
> 
> also the ending, I enjoyed writing that 
> 
> so here ya go, 
> 
> (side note: I'm sorry about the spacing i know its huge and ugly, but I'm very lazy, please forgive me)

 

A few weeks after Alexander has returned home, the phone rings in the apartment. Eliza is the one to answer it.

 

“Hello, is Alex Hamilton there?” a man says

 

“This is his wife, can I ask who is calling?” she doesn’t recognize the man’s voice

 

“Henry Laurens, I’m John’s father.” her heart drops, she isn’t sure why, “I wanted to tell him -well you both I guess- he was killed in combat this past Tuesday in South Carolina.” Eliza looks at the calendar on the fridge, it is Friday, “The war was already over, but my boy was still fighting.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Laurens.” Eliza is trying to force the breath in and out of her lungs while also trying to find Alexander, he is still in the nursery where she left him, seemingly unaware of this conversation.

 

“There will be a private funeral Monday and a public memorial service Tuesday, we hope you can attend both.” he tells her. Eliza can’t get the image of the boy throwing marshmallows at her little sister at her graduation party out of her mind, there was no way he was dead.

 

“Also I’d like Alex to know how terribly sorry I am, I understand they were...closer than most.” he adds before telling her goodbye and hanging up.

 

Eliza puts the phone back on the receiver and wonders how long it will take Alexander to come look for her if she doesn’t say anything.

 

None of this is right, The war was over, John had called Alexander last week. He said how excited he was to come home and meet his amazing little nephew. John had too much life left.

 

“Who was that, Bets?” Alexander comes in three minutes after she hung up the phone.

 

“John Laurens’ father.” she tells him, silently begging him not to make her say the words

 

Alexander is initially puzzled, “Why would his father-” and without even finishing the sentence he figured it out.

 

He looks up at her like he’s waiting for her to prove him wrong. He is waiting for her to save him from this.

 

But she can’t. Eliza cannot save him.

 

For a moment she thinks she sees a sort of disappointment in his eyes, like he thought she’d be be able to. But she resolves that it’s just grief.

 

“When?” he asks finally

 

“Tuesday the 27th. There is a funeral on Monday and a memorial service on Tuesday in South Carolina.” she says

 

He is staring at the floor of the kitchen, she isn’t sure what she is supposed to do now. It feels like it isn’t her place to intrude on this intensely personal grief, but she also doesn’t want him to feel alone.

 

She pushes herself up from leaning on the counter and takes his hand, “Alexander, are you alright?”

 

He squeezes her hand tightly and gives her a tight-lipped grin full of tears. He lets go and silently goes into their room.

 

Angelica calls her, she had gotten the message and invitation as well. She sits on the couch and gets plane tickets for first thing tomorrow morning.

 

Peggy comes home twenty minutes after the call, and Eliza tells her what happened. Peggy is distraught in a way Eliza didn’t quite expect. Once her tears had ebbed a bit, she whispers to Eliza, “He told me when he met me that if I weren’t with someone he’d marry me in an instant.”

 

She is dumbfounded, Eliza asks the only question she can think of, “Peggy, did you-”

 

“Only a little, maybe more if it was a bit different. But _he_ did, wrote me while he was in South Carolina and everything.”

 

Eliza strokes her sisters head in her lap, she knew Peggy loves Stevie so much, but sometimes you can’t control who else you fall in love with -or when. She can tell Peggy is selling it short with her words by the way she crumbled when Eliza told her.

 

“Does Stevie know?” she asks gently

 

“No, I never thought it was going to turn into anything. Well, I never thought it _could.”_

 

Eliza doesn’t ask anymore, partly because she can’t and partly because she shouldn’t.

 

That night her and Peggy packed bags for all three of them.

 

==========

 

After the funeral on Tuesday, Eliza had lost track of Alexander during the reception at the Laurens’ house. She looked around for ten minutes until she finally found him the backyard.

 

He was chopping wood, of all things. She guess he had been here before and knew this needed to be done and also needed something to do. He had been silent since they got that call last week, as she expected him to, but she thought he’d gain some kind of closure coming here.

 

But all Alexander got was angry, she realized as he slammed the axe down time, and time again.

 

“I liked what you said at the funeral. The fishing story, it was nice.” she tries, places both hands at the bottom of her swollen stomach.  

 

He brings the axe down again, sending two halves of a log flying, “It was a lie. You can’t exactly get up at your ex-boyfriend’s funeral and tell the story of icing his cheek after his dad punched him in the face when he first brought you home.” his words are scalding, she wants to say she is sorry but it wouldn’t be right.

 

It was never explicitly stated, but Eliza had always known he and John had something before she met them. He would always avoid her when she first came over or barely speak to her when they were all together. Eliza remembers catching John staring at them once, he looked sad, when he thought Alexander wasn’t looking, but that day he gave her a sad sort of smile one that let her know he was at least trying to let Alexander go.  

 

She wasn’t sure how long they had been separated before she came along, she never brought it up, it wasn’t her business. But Peggy’s confession before they left and the fact Alexander neglected to tell her about it until now told her it had been a while.

 

Alexander cuts a log and picks up another.

 

“Put the axe down.” she tells him, his back is toward her, she can’t tell if he will relent.

 

He digs the axe into the stump a few times, she walks around to face him.  

 

“ _Alexander_.” she says again, holding her voice firm

 

After a second, he throws it aside. “I never told you.” she knows what he’s referring to.

 

“It wasn’t my business to know.” she says  

 

“A lot of people told me I should have told you first thing, even John.” he isn’t meeting her eyes

 

“It wasn’t any of my business.” there had been a part of her that wished he told her sooner, a small inkling of doubt that said he still loved him and not her. But that didn’t matter today.

 

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think it was important, not because I still loved him.” and just like that he reads her mind, “We were ancient history by the time you and I met, and -and I guess I wasn’t thinking about anyone else after I met you.” he finishes

 

Somewhere in her, a breath of relief was let out. And Eliza wants to punch herself a little bit, for being thankful of something like this.

 

Alexander was staring hole into the ground and for a moment she thought he was going to cry.

 

“Come here.” she said, outstretching her arms

 

He doesn’t move, she sighs a bit. Eliza steps onto the stump so she is now almost a head and a half taller than him and says again:

 

“Come here.”

 

This time, when all he has to do is lean forward into her, he does. And when his arms are around her waist and his head is resting on her swollen stomach, he breaks. She puts her hands on the back of his head, fingers weaved into his long hair. The sobs rack through his body.

 

“I know, I know.” she doesn’t bother holding back her own tears anymore, either.

 

It takes them fifteen minutes to return to normal state of being, and when they do she takes his chin in her hands and points it up so he is looking at her. Her dress is soaked, his eyes are blotchy and red, she is sure hers don’t look better.

 

“I don’t care who you were with. We all have our pasts, but the future - _our_ future is what I am concerned with.” she wipes away a stray tear with her thumb.

 

Alexander helps her down from the stump and kisses her fully when they are level again.

 

They return to the reception, Eliza hopes no one asks about why they were gone.

 

===========

 

It was already a petty bad day for Alex, top it off with a frantic phone call from Eliza, in which he only picked up the words “Peggy” “hospital” and “hemorrhage”, he was about two more eye rolls away from punching the nurse at the emergency room desk.

 

“There is no record of Peggy Schuyler in here at all today?” he asks

 

“If the Schuylers walked in here today, I think I would have noticed. You can take a seat in the waiting room a doctor will come and find you if there is any news.” she points to a room of uncomfortable looking chairs with her pen.

 

He looks to where she is pointing and instantly picks out the backs of Eliza and Angelica’s heads. Eliza is leaning on Angelica’s shoulder, just like they would be sitting if this were any other normal day. But this isn’t a normal day, today Peggy might be dying.

 

Once he goes around to see him, he can see how frantic Eliza still is, despite all this beginning twenty minutes ago. Her eyes are wide and her hands are shaking.

 

He takes both of them in his own and crouches down in front of her, “Hey, hey. It’s me.” she seems confused at first. then her eyes finally land on his face. he tries to give her a smile, “What happened?”

 

Eliza starts shaking her head, he can see her eyes beginning to wet, he strokes her arm and tries not to panic as she panics.

 

“It -it was all so fast. She was fine. she was fine.” tears are falling down her cheeks now

 

He looks to Angelica for help, but she is just staring straight ahead, laser focus on a hallway he is assuming they last saw Peggy go through. Every time a doctor leaves the doors she snaps her attention to them and deflates when they walk away.

 

It’s just him and Eliza right now.

 

He turns back to her, and says something his mom would say to him when he woke up upset from a bad dream.

 

“Okay, start at the beginning, and go from there.” he squeeze her hands

 

She breathes deeply, counting to ten in French (a trick _her_ mother taught her), and she starts, “She was fine, we were at Angelica’s and she was fine.” her voice cracks

 

“And then what?” he asks gently

 

“And then she started seizing and Angelica called an ambulance and she wouldn’t stop shaking, Alexander. We couldn’t do anything, she just kept shaking, we couldn’t do anything.” her voice gets clouded with tears and the sobs rack her shoulders.

 

Alex gets into the seat next to her and holds her in his arms. He is looking at Angelica again and realizes there is someone missing from this: JC, he assumes he is at home with Jeremiah. He is able to reach Angelica’s hand from where he has practically moved into Eliza’s seat. She doesn’t look to him or say anything, but she does squeeze it back and he is sure he sees her focused glare waver for a moment.

 

All they can do is wait and hope now. Alex doesn’t think he believes in God or anything like that, but he tries his best to send some kind of divine cry for help.

 

He finds himself counting to ten in French when he starts thinking too much about what might happen and Eliza’s sobs quiet soon after they began but she does not move from his arms.

 

Just as he is finally wondering where Angelica and Eliza’s parents are, their parents find them in the waiting room. Apparently Eliza called them when she called him. He tells them what he knows and they sit and wait for news.

 

He looks at a clock later and sees he has been sitting here about three hours. Alex doesn’t look at the door, he can’t condemn himself to that kind of purgatory. Instead, he traces patterns on Eliza’s back, it helps him remember that she is here with him and it calms her down he thinks.

 

The doors open and finally the doctor comes over to them, Alex really doesn’t notice until she is right in front of them. She looks kind enough, he registers somewhere, he figures you have to look kind in order to deliver life changing news as a profession.

 

Eliza sits up when she begins talking.

 

“Peggy suffered from a subarachnoid hemorrhage, basically her aneurysm burst and she was bleeding into her brain. We tried to clip it to stop the bleeding, but the bleeding was too heavy for the clip to hold. Once we tried again she had bled too much into her brain. She is currently on a ventilator in ICU. This machine is keeping her body alive, but her brain has lost function.”

 

Eliza grips his hand tightly, anticipating the doctor’s next words.

 

“We can take you to see her, but we believe taking her off the machines would be the best option.” her voice is soft, and her face was sorrowful

 

He had not met one person who didn’t like Peggy. She was always the one who made it seem like she actually enjoyed being constantly thrust into the spotlight, and people loved that. Not to mention she was genuinely kind to everyone all the time.

 

None of the Schuylers were moving after the doctor finished, Alex noticed. Then Catherine finally said:

 

“So there is nothing we can do?”

 

“I’m afraid her brain has lost all function, and there is no way it can recover.” the doctor tells her

 

Still no one moves, Alex finally has to say it, “We need to go see her.”

 

Eliza nods vacantly and her and Alex stand, along with her parents. Angelica stays even after they have all begun to walk away.

 

Eliza realizes and goes back to her. Something is exchanged between the two of them that nobody else can hear. But after a minute Angelica takes Eliza’s outstretched hand and they all go to Peggy’s room.

 

This isn’t the happy girl Alex knew, this is what is left of her. Peggy’s smile was gone, her eyes were closed the bandage around her head obscured her hair, the machines around her made her look so small.

 

Catherine goes to her side, Philip follows. Angelica and Eliza stay behind the threshold, even as Alex has walked in the tiny room.

 

Alex only had one brother, he died when Alex was 12 with their mother. They were close, but never as close as Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy. But regardless, when he died Alex had felt like a limb was gone, one that was vital to his function. He felt like he couldn’t talk, or walk, like his absence ripped him of any purpose.

 

He catches Eliza’s eye and she looks at him with tears threatening to spill. Alex wants to do something, hold her, take her away, talk to her, but none of it seemed to fit. What could he possibly tell her? _I’m here. I’m here._ She has known that since the beginning, he hopes. So he just looks at her, and she at him, and that -it seems- is what gives her the strength to move.

 

Eliza shakes Angelica’s hand once so she looks at her, she brushes some hair out of Angelica’s face and says,

 

“Let’s go.”

 

They enter the room together and sit at Peggy’s side. Alex wonders how many times they have switched roles like they just did. Angelica was always the one lifting her chin, and helping her sisters on, but today it was Eliza.

 

Something in him knew they were constantly switching roles, because they all supported each other all the time. They existed, the three of them, as a unit in that way.

 

Alex steps out to call JC and to give them a moment as a family.

 

He stays in the hallway even after he has hung up.

 

For some reason he thinks of the time Peggy told him about her and John, or rather the lack of her and John. He remembers being surprised and a little hurt John had moved on. (Now, Alex wasn’t sure what he expected from John, seeing as he had moved on completely with Eliza)

 

_“I didn’t know who else to tell, because my sisters would freak out in the wrong way and I thought you’d know what to do with it being John.”_ she had told him

 

She swore him to secrecy, even from Eliza, about it. He understood, and he was glad she trusted him enough to come to him.

 

It had been so long since Alex had felt a part of anything like a family. The army gave him belonging and his friends gave him some love, but nothing like being in an actual family unit.

 

The Schuyler's had given him that, and more specifically, Eliza, since she was the one who chose to love him and her family thankfully followed.

 

Once JC arrives, the doctor gently suggests taking her off the machines again. Catherine and Philip sign the paperwork and they begin.

 

It all takes about fifteen minutes and through it all Alex thinks Peggy would have liked this, all her family together. She loved weddings and parties for this reason, she loved everyone together. Alex liked it too he thought, it reminded him, especially now, that he wasn’t alone.

 

(He notes something else about his brother dying, he was alone. There was no one there to show him how to pick up the pieces. Thankfully, now no one will be alone, and this makes it almost bearable)

 

===========

 

Peggy’s funeral is two weeks after she dies. Those two weeks are mostly at her parents house, trying to get everything in order.

 

When the service is over, she stays sitting in her folding chair outside. Alexander doesn’t ask her to move or why she is still sitting, even after all her family has gone to thank the guests for coming, he just stays there holding her hand in his own.

 

After a minute they start to lower her casket into the ground. She turns to Alexander.

 

“She is gone, somewhere away from me, torn from me, now. And I am not sure what to do.” she tells him

 

He tries to find the answer for a moment, “We try and keep going.”

 

Eliza knows he is right, but she can’t imagine any life that doesn’t have Peggy in it.

  


She tries to keep going, but it’s hard especially being officially on maternity leave and bed rest, her due date being only two weeks away. A lot of her days are slow and dragging, Angelica and JC come to move Peggy’s stuff out of her room. They move it to their parents attic, whatever they can’t give to the orphanage.

 

She tries her best to be happy about Philip coming and all the surrounding baby things, but she cannot make herself fully enjoy it. There is a tugging in her, always looking for Peggy; it’s like a phantom limb. Eliza tells Angelica and she says she feels the same. But she tells her also:

 

“It will get better, I know it will. One day she will just be in our hearts instead of ghosting around us.”

 

There are still too many days that go by where she doesn’t speak or move at all.

 

Alexander comes home one night, it had been a particularly bad day, and she had been sobbing when he walked in. He held her for a while until she quieted down enough for him ask her something.

 

“What reminds you of her? Besides pictures and her things, what do you see and then think of her?”

 

Eliza thinks for a moment, “Sunny days, flowers, cakes in bakery windows, the smell after a rainstorm, sidewalk chalk.” it was a random list, but those are what had always made her think of Peggy

 

“Okay, now if you ever feel yourself starting to slip, sit outside and look for those things.” he tells her, her face in his hands

 

“Just look for them.” he says

 

She tries it the next day when she sees a picture of Peggy. Eliza goes out onto the terrace off their bedroom and sits in the chair.

 

It rained last night, she noted from the smell, she saw her flowers she planted last month had started to bloom, and there were kids on the street below playing hopscotch with lines drawn from chalk.

 

The tugging felt more like a blanket now, like Peggy was still here, but in a more abstract sense. She wasn’t pulling at Eliza anymore, she was just there. Eliza smiled in the morning sunlight, and let herself bask in it.

 

===========

 

Of course her body decides to go into labor at two in the morning, because why would anything in Eliza’s life be an actual convenience.

 

She feels the sharpest contraction she’s ever felt at precisely 2:43 AM.

 

Alexander wakes up immediately when he hears her groan.

 

“What, what is it?” he gets out groggily

 

“Contraction” she says around the pain

 

He sits up and takes her hands frantically. “Real or Braxton-Hicks?” he asks

 

“Probably the second” she says as the pain ebbs

 

“Are you sure?” he asks again, she stands up to do stretches or something to help

 

“No, I don’t know. Start a timer.” she says

 

He fumbles around his night stand until he finds his phone. There is a sort of stupid grin on her face, despite the terrible pain, she is going to be a mother soon. It takes her a few tries to wipe away.

 

The next one catches her off guard, she lets out an unintentional cry.

 

“Time-” she says

 

“Four minutes thirty-eight seconds. We’re going.” he gets up to find the pre-packed bag

 

Once the pain is gone again, “My water hasn’t broken.” she says grabbing onto his arm,

 

“Your contractions are four minutes apart, I know you want to wait, but I say we should go.” he tells her

 

She nods, knowing he’s right.

  


Eliza texts everyone once they are in the car. Alexander probably breaks too many traffic laws on the way.

 

Her water doesn’t break until they actually get into their room in the hospital.

 

Alexander just looks at her, “I told you we were right to go.”

 

She likes to think she gets him back later when she nearly breaks his fingers during labor.

 

Ten hours later, Eliza is holding her son. She can feel tears on her face, but she isn’t sure when she began crying.

 

“Do you have a name?” a nurse calls to them

 

She looks at Alexander, with certainty, “Philip James Hamilton.” she tells her proudly

 

Eliza laughs a little and looks down at their son. Philip, pink, screaming, perfect little Philip.

 

She hands him to Alexander, who is sitting on the edge of her bed.

 

He handles him like Philip is glass, like his arms don’t know what to do with something this small. Then, Alexander does something she hasn’t seen him do since the day they got the phone call from Henry Laurens. He smiles, and it is like it came from deep within the ground, it reaches all over his face, even manages to light up his eyes.

 

Then he looks at Eliza with this smile, and she returns it.

 

“He’s beautiful, Bets.” he says

 

“He sure is.” Eliza pets the little tuft of curls on Philip’s head.

 

===========

 

Their family come visit throughout the next day. When Eliza isn’t sleeping she’s talking to whoever has stopped by.

 

Her mother and father come first, they cry when they hear his name. And she notes how this too is the first time she’s seen her mother smile in weeks.

 

Oddly enough, Aaron Burr is next. He comes in wheeling his wife on a wheelchair cradling their daughter, who was born last night as well. Eliza has tolerated Aaron her whole life, but she actually really like Theo.

 

When Theo suggests joint birthday parties (mostly as a joke, Eliza hopes), Alexander rolls his eyes from behind the Burrs. She tries very hard to keep a straight face.

 

Then Hercules comes, they facetime Laf and Adrienne in France. Adrienne shows them how big Georges has gotten, and says they’ll try to make it over as soon as they can. Herc holds Philip and he looks almost comically small in his arms.

 

“Dude I am going to get this kid the best birthday gifts.” he tells them

 

Eliza says anything but a drum set, she doesn’t think she would forgive him if he did that.

 

Angelica and John make it over in the late afternoon and stay for dinner. Jeremiah thinks he looks like an alien, but he’s still pretty cool. There is an adorable picture of him holding Philip with Angelica’s help that Eliza is 100 percent sure will be her mother’s new lockscreen.

 

Once Eliza’s parents take Jeremiah back to bed, it’s just the four of them in their hospital room with Philip.

 

Angelica is sitting on the bed with Eliza, looking at Philip in his hospital crib.

 

“Peggy should have been here.” Eliza says, she tries to pass it off like it wasn’t looming in the silence that hung over them.

 

Alexander takes her hand from his chair next to the bed, “She still is.” he tells her

 

Eliza smiles at him waterly.

 

After a long moment, Angelica says “How are we going to differentiate between them?”

 

“Who?” JC asks, leaning against the wall

 

“Philip the first and Philip the second.” she says

 

Eliza considers it, “Well if I say, ‘Philip peed on me’ I think it’s safe to assume I’m talking about my son.”

 

That earns a laugh from everyone. Angelica and JC stay until about eight, and head home with a promise to come back tomorrow.

  


Once it’s just the three of them again, Alexander holds Philip. She thinks he still kind of can’t believe he’s real, neither can she, if she is being honest.

 

There is a hint of something on his face, and she can feel him thinking too much.

 

“What is it?” she asks

 

He takes a second, “Am I going to be a good father?” he doesn’t look up at her when he speaks

 

Eliza feels a punch in her gut, of course he is, but she knows he won’t just believe it, even if she tells him ten times over. And under it all she has been asking the same question. Not about Alexander, but about herself.

 

“Am I going to be a good mom?” she asks him, a little self conscience.

 

He looks at her now, and knits his eyebrows, “Of course you are, Bets.”

 

Eliza laughs a little, “Then you are going to be a good father. We are in this together, Alexander.”

She holds out her hand to him and he comes over.

 

“You and me?” she asks

 

“You and me, and Philip.” he adds

 

“And Philip.” she agrees.

 

Eliza had honestly forgotten what genuine happiness felt like since Peggy was gone. It had felt like a constant storm weighing down on her. There was a point she thought that that was it, it couldn’t get any darker.

 

But then, the sun came. The sun came in the form of an eight-pound-four-ounce miracle named Philip.

 

Eliza realizes now there is an end to every storm, once all the trees are uprooted and the houses are destroyed, there is an end. The wind will hush, the clouds will part, the rain will stop.

 

She looks up at a beaming Alexander playing with their son’s little hand and smiles when she doesn’t hear a gust of wind or a drop of rain.

 

Eliza sinks deeper into her hospital bed, content with the beginning of her little piece of forever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hamliza, ten years later: you and me and philip and angie and john and william an
> 
> I'm just kidding I love 'em and their ten billion children
> 
> okay so bookmark/comment/kudos to support your local emo "author"
> 
> catch @peepasoo on tumblr
> 
> up next: "they are asking me to lead,"


	7. before we knew this life would shatter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which the sight of the stars makes us dream, and we get brought back to earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am not always on time  
> please dont expect that from me  
> i might be late but if you just wait  
> i will make it eventually
> 
> I know i m the worst  
> please forgive me, life got busy and i briefly lost motivation
> 
> anyway it's here, so have fun

His assistant, Lauren, knocks on his office door at 7:30 one night. Alex had been holed up for five hours now, if he is looking at the right clock and not the broken one in the corner he keeps forgetting to fix. 

 

“Come in. Lauren, you know you can go home at 5, you don’t have to wait up.” he says, not looking up from his desk

 

“I know, I had some things I had to finish up.” she says defensively once she opens the door.  He really likes Lauren, she started in her sophomore year of college, and here she was nearly a senior. Alex had become fond of her almost like she was his daughter, but not quite. She is more of an apprentice, he feels an obligation to set a standard for her, but at the same time he knows she is smarter than him already. Either way she had become an honorary Hamilton, helping with babysitting when both he and Eliza were desperate and coming to the last two Thanksgiving dinners.

 

“You’re a kid, don’t you have a life, things to do, friends, or whatever?” he asks. 

 

Alex looks up and sees Lauren first, then notices someone looming behind her --Washington. 

 

“Not anymore then you do, Alex.” he smiles at Lauren’s coy tone as she leaves the room. 

 

“Sir.” Alex says and immediately stands up (almost five years later and the muscle memory is still there) 

 

Washington holds out a hand like he did to put him at ease and for one moment they were back in that hundred degree tent, in the middle of the war. 

 

It takes them both a full second to shake off the heavy memory.

 

“I wanted to ask you something, Alex.” he says, stepping in the office a bit more. Washington only ever used the nickname when he was desperate, from what Alex remembers.

 

“Okay.” 

 

“I’m sure you’ve kept a close eye on the building of our government.” he doesn't leave room for agreement, they both have read the two thousand word emails Alex sends him at least once a week criticizing the latest decision, “And I am sure you have heard of the cabinet positions.” he says tentatively

 

Alex ignores the flop of his stomach, “Yes.” 

 

“I am doing the best I can to assemble the people that would help me build the government for today, and for the future. We have to transition from this tentative arrangement into something that will hold for years to come, it’s important work. I realize it is a lot to ask, to completely uproot your life and leave what you know-” 

 

“Which position, sir?” Alex asks, practically bouncing on the ball of his feet

 

He can see the General almost ask him to consider it before agreeing, but he knows better and says, “Secretary of the Treasury, at least that’s what we’re calling it for now.” 

 

Neither of them say anything for a moment, then the silence gets the better of Alex. 

 

“Do I have to sign something, or-” he asks

 

Washington turns to leave, “Call me first thing tomorrow, we’ll tell the press.” 

 

When the door closes Alex slumps back in his chair and spins around once with a stupid, wide grin.

 

He catches sight of his phone light up face down on his desk. He picks it up and sees at least five missed calls and ten texts, all from Eliza. 

 

Alex doesn’t have to read them to know what he missed -or rather- what he is late for.

 

He checks his calendar to make sure, and yes--

 

_ Angie’s Dance Recital 7-8:45 _

 

In nearly one movement, he has gathered up all his things, called Eliza, and shut his door. 

 

She picks up after two rings, “Alexander-” 

 

“I know, I’m on my way, I’m sorry. I am on my way. She hasn’t gone yet, right?” he asks, checking his watch and calling a cab

 

“No, remember, it’s the fifth performance, she has been telling us all week.” she emphasizes the last part.

 

“You’re right, I’m sorry, I will be there.” 

 

“Stop apologizing, please. You have less than seven minutes.” she hangs up the phone

 

============

 

Eliza hears the auditorium doors open behind her and turns to see Alexander come in, he finds their row and slides into the aisle seat next to her she saved him. 

 

“Hi.” he whispers to her

 

The curtain closes on the fourth performance and she whispers to him, “Just in time.” a little coldly

 

She doesn’t care in this moment he looks a little hurt she didn’t kiss him on the cheek, like she had the past seven years when they’d meet somewhere. She doesn’t care because he has known about this for months and she watched him put this in his calendar. 

 

Philip leans forward from the other side of Eliza to say, “Hi, pops.” in his whispered tone

 

Alexander gives him a little wave, “Hey, Pip.” 

 

There is a moment Eliza thinks Alexander is waiting for her to say something, maybe amend the overlooked greeting, but before he says anything the curtain opens for Angie's performance. 

 

It’s as adorable as Eliza knew it would be, and of course, she gets the entire thing on video. Angie looks so happy in her little pink tutu, Eliza thinks she might die from how cute her daughter is. 

 

After the whole recital, the parents all wait in the lobby together. Alexander finds a lull in her conversation with another parent to say to her: “Eliza, if you let me-” 

 

She turns to him sharply, “Not here, not now.” 

 

He doesn’t try to add anything more. 

  
  


The drive home is silent and tense, at least for the front row. Angie and Philip are in the back row giggling about everything and nothing, filling the car with some noise other than the radio. 

 

Alexander offered to drive, even though he hates it, to attempt to make it somewhat better, she assumes. 

 

“Eliza, I promise there is a good reason-” he starts

 

“There always is, isn’t there?” she says lowly, so the kids don’t notice 

 

He gets suddenly angry, “This isn’t an  _ excuse _ .” 

 

“Then what is it?” she looks over to him, her tone tired -almost begging. 

 

They get to a red light and he meets her eyes, “Bets, Washington came tonight and-”

 

“It’s green, Daddy!” Angie shouts from the back, happily

 

Alexander looks at her in the rearview, “Thank you, Angel.”

 

He glances at Eliza again, opens his mouth to speak, but she holds her hand up.

 

“When we get home, Alexander.” she tells him. Eliza looks out the window and watches as the city lights still on blur past her.

  
  


Alexander drops the car keys in the bowl, the babysitter gets paid and sent home, all four kids get tucked into bed, and they get halfway through the dishes before she finally has the stomach to listen to his argument. 

 

“You said, Washington came tonight?” she asks, handing him a wet dish to dry. For a moment, Eliza swallows her anger, trying to see if he will be civil about this if she is first. 

 

He looks a little off guard, probably expecting her to lash out. Then he nods for a second before saying, “Yes.”

 

She looks back to the sink, “Well what did he say?” 

 

“He- well, he asked me to hold a cabinet position. Secretary of the Treasury, is what he called it. I’ll be handling the debt from the war, as well as pretty much-”

 

“You  _ will _ ?” she had stopped listening to him explaining when he said ‘will’ instead of ‘would’ “As in, you already accepted?”

 

He looks confused again, like she was somehow supposed to already know this, Eliza hated this look. “I- Yes, I did.” 

 

Eliza turns off the running faucet and braces her hands on the counter, trying to keep an even tone despite her boiling temper. “Alexander, this is a big commitment. Why didn’t you just wait and think for moment before you accepted?” 

 

“I didn’t need to, everything I have worked for has been leading up to this -creating the economy, building a future. You know that.” he gives a breathy chuckle at the end, like it’s simple, like she’ll brush it right off and agree. 

 

Alexander has always had a way, by a kind of unaware process of elimination, of removing everything that doesn’t immediately apply to him. It seemed like a deliberate sort of selfishness, but there was nothing deliberate about it. Eliza knew often times he could be as instinctual as an animal, creating an environment where only his wants and needs survived. 

 

It was another thing from his past, it seemed, he’d never be able to shake. And it drove her crazy. It made her feel obsolete, like she or their family didn’t really exist at all to him, like their whole life meant nothing. 

 

“We’ll have to move.” she offers

 

“We already need to, the kids are sleeping two to a room.” 

 

“Alexander, you forgot about the recital tonight, you’ve known about it for months- how do you expect to keep everything straight being a leader of the nation?”

 

“This was a mistake, it won’t ever happen again. Don’t make it out to be a trend.” he says defensively, his voice rising dangerously high. 

 

In her knee-jerk reaction, her head darts to the hall where the kids’ rooms are. She doesn't see any movement, doesn't hear any little feet hitting the floor, and turns back to him. 

 

“Keep your voice down.” she says in a harsh, hushed tone. 

 

He was looking down the hallway as well. It's happened before, a disagreement that got out of hand, over something trivial like he didn't take out the trash or she forgot to tell him something. They had gotten so loud Philip came out to the living room, crying and begging them to stop. It was enough to shell shock them both into never raising their voices that high again. 

 

“I'm sorry, but I swear this is a one time thing.” he says 

 

She wants to scream at him, he isn’t getting it. She feels helpless, alone, like he is leaving her in the dust because he can’t see past his potential legacy. 

 

“Eliza look at where we are, where we started. This is just our next step.” he has almost twisted her own words, she didn’t mean for them to be used like this -against her, to prove something to her. 

 

“Why didn’t you just wait so we could talk about it first?” she can feel the anger rising to her chest, making her words have a little more bite

 

“I knew you would have agreed-”

 

“And what if I didn’t?”

 

“ Do you _not_?” 

 

“Does it matter now?” 

 

He lets out a breath, like he wishes the answer were different, even though he is the one who made it this way. 

 

She shakes her head and scoffs lightly, walking away to the living room. 

 

“Eliza, don’t do this. You know I can tell Washington I don’t want the position right now and he would let me off.” he says, following her

 

She spins around to him quickly, “But you do want it, Alexander. You want it so fucking bad, you forgot your daughter’s recital.” she is being cruel, she can’t seem to care, “Why can’t you just be happy where you are?”

 

“I never said I wasn’t-”

 

“Then why take it?” she pauses, no answer. Her anger makes her mind foggy, she feels her reasons slipping away like sand in her palms, so she just asks, “Isn’t this enough? Isn’t where you are enough?” her anger turns to hot tears and what has been lying beneath everything comes out: “Why can’t  _ I _ be enough?” 

 

Eliza doesn’t know if she wants an answer to the last question. 

 

He takes on a gentler tone “Bets, this has nothing to do with-”

 

“Doesn’t it?” she asks, already expecting his final word, “Our life, this  _ family _ we have built together isn’t good enough for you anymore.” tears are making her voice sound watery and desperate and everything she’s trying not to be at this moment. 

 

She sees him for the first time, he looks hurt, there are tears in his eyes threatening to match her own. 

 

Eliza wipes a hand on her forehead, “When will it be enough? Where is the finish line, Alexander? You drown yourself in cases, then take on the Federalist Papers -which nearly killed you, and now this?”

 

“I told you,  _ this _ is it. This is the pinnacle. It doesn't get any higher than this.” Alexander says, placatingly

 

She can’t listen, all she sees is Alexander straining himself over the work, relishing in the political spotlight, using and abusing his platform. A staggering, scary moment courses through her: if they keep this new presidential election system, what if Alexander runs for president.

 

“We both know that isn’t true.” she says, lowly. They meet eyes, he can’t tell her she’s wrong, every part of her is begging him to, though. But they both know she isn’t wrong, and the deep cut of the truth stings.

 

All the breath leaves Eliza’s lungs slowly, she feels the walls closing in. She wondered for the first time if she was wrong, if she truly didn’t know who she married, if all her mother’s and Angelica’s warnings had been right. She thought he knew she didn’t want to be caught in the web of politics, like she had been her whole life. But now, all she sees are exclusive articles dissecting what she wore on date-night, tell-alls on how she raises her kids, family photoshoots to help bolster Alexander’s inevitable campaign, and everything else she knew so painfully well. Eliza thought she had made a different life, she didn’t want this. 

 

“I don’t know if I can do this.” she doesn’t realize it’s out loud until she hears Alexander question it. She shakes him off, and says,  “There is a plate for you in the fridge.” it’s half-hearted, at a loss for anything else to say in the aftermath.

 

She gets ready for bed like normal, half expecting him to come in, but half hoping he doesn’t. (Alexander never does)

 

When she is staring up at the ceiling in bed, she makes a list. Pros and Cons, Good and Bad, Things She Could Live With and Things She Couldn’t.

 

Pro:

Alexander gets his dream.

He builds a strong foundation for the government.

Maybe this  _ would _ be it, and he’d stop running himself rampant with work and he’d spend more time at home. 

He’d be happy

They’d get a bigger house (he was right, they did need to move)

 

Con:

Constant spotlight would follow her and her family.

Even heavier work load.

Maybe this isn’t it and he’d run for President and ruin himself and maybe even them.

He’d probably do something stupid with this much power and influence. 

He might never be home. 

 

Eliza knows painfully well she could stop this in it’s tracks. He would tell Washington he didn’t want the job if she asked him to do so. But what good would that do? If anything it’d be worse than all her hypothetical Cons of him taking the job. He’d be upset at not having it, probably drive a wedge between him and Washington, hate the person who gets the job instead of him, and she hates to think it- but he’d end up blaming her at the end. She would blame him too, for making her make that decision, she thinks. 

 

And it isn’t like she doesn’t trust Alexander, she really does, more than anything. Eliza would be proud of him, beyond so, for helping lead the government, and forge his legacy. And she loves him, and he loves her. 

 

All the “what if’s” and “maybe’s” had drown out this truth, overshadowed it. Eliza realized that this was all that mattered when the cracked-open window sent a chill draft through the room, somehow bringing into stark clarity his absence from the other side of the bed. 

 

She loves him, and she knows him, and she trusts him, through it all. 

 

This doesn’t fix everything, but it’s a start. It will get them through.

 

She gets up originally just to close the window, planning on leaving him out there all night to hold her resolve. But her feet pad out to the living room before she realizes. Here, she can see him lying on the couch. Alexander has always looked the most peaceful when he sleeps, she notes when she gets closer. 

She used to watch him, when they first were dating, and try to put the man she knew so well in the daytime next to this sleeping one. The years and troubles faded from his face, the lines softened, everything about him seemed  _ calmer.  _

 

Eliza squeezes with him onto the sofa, and he instinctively moves to accommodate her. He opens his eyes and sees her face inches from his. She puts a hand on his cheek and all of a sudden she can feel tears welling behind her eyes again and she hopes Alexander doesn’t make her say the words. 

 

He covers her hand with his own, “I’m sorry” he kisses the back of her hand.

 

“I’m sorry, too.” it falls out of her -more than anything. 

 

Neither of them move, they stay like that, on their sectional wrapped up in each other's arms until they fall asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angelica returns next time and so do the wicked long time jumps  
> blame lin for putting like 8 million years into three hours 
> 
> yell at me on tumblr, @peepasoo
> 
> kudos/bookmark/comment to give me motivation to finish this


	8. in such bliss does devestation grow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which we seal our fate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for sticking with me through the awful update schedule
> 
> i hope you all like this ch, or as i like to call it:  
> the beginning of the end 
> 
> once again, sorry about the spacing

 

“Hamilton, this financial plan it is literally 200 pages. How can you expect us to tell the people in a few nice words they’ll understand?” Jefferson says

 

Alex scoffs, glances at Washington, holds back something and calmly says, “That is hardly the point, we can and will figure that out once we put it into action. But we all know that isn’t your problem with it, Mr. Jefferson. Your problem-” 

 

“My problem is, by assuming all these states’ debts, the only one benefitting is  _ you _ , Mr. Secretary.” Jefferson leans back on the couch 

 

Alex looks at Washington again, “ _ Not _ true.” 

 

“If the shoe fits, Hamilton. Mr. President, there is absolutely no reason the government should assumes  _ independent _ states’ debt.” Jefferson looks around at the men around the Oval, “That is what we fought for, isn’t it?  _ Independence _ ?” 

 

“As a country, not as separate states. By being competitive as an economy we get a boost to help us. How can you not see that?” Hamilton laughs, disbelieving 

 

“What I  _ see  _ is the hard work people of Virginia are doing to clean up after the damage of war and provide for themselves. No other state should benefit but their own. If the people of New York want to step up and clean up their own messes instead of pinning it all on everyone else, I’m sure you see it too.” Jefferson sneers

 

It’s bait, Alex knows it, but he can’t find it in himself to refuse. 

 

“Don’t explain to me a war I fought in, Jefferson. I was there,” he motions to Washington, “ _ we  _ were there on the front lines. We see the damage, it’s to the whole country, not just some states. And where were you, by the way, during the war? Jacking off in Paris-”

 

“ _ Hamilton. _ ” Washington looks at him sternly

 

“Sir, there has not been one plan,  _ one plan,  _ he hasn’t opposed. Isn’t that a little upsetting to you?” Alex says to him

 

“Come up with better plans, then.” Madison says from his spot next to Jefferson

 

“What happened to you. I thought we were in this together.” Alex asks him

 

Jefferson laughs, “Calm down there, Romeo. This isn’t your break-up scene, that happened a year ago, move on.”

 

“Hey Thomas, why don’t you turn around and bend over, I’ll show you where my fucking shoe fits.” 

 

Everyone erupts, it takes Washington three tries to calm everyone down. 

 

“Alright, let’s call it a day. Everyone keep working, we’ll get there. You’re dismissed. Hamilton stay behind a minute.” Washington goes to his desk. 

 

“No matter how much you believe in your plan, it comes down to the votes.” Madison tells Hamilton when most everyone is gone

 

“And you don’t have them, do you?” Jefferson taunts, “Aren’t you worried about your precious position if you lose this battle?”

 

“Fuck off.” 

 

“You don’t seem very frightened.” Jefferson sneers

 

“You aren’t very frightening.” Hamilton tells him, shoulders raised

 

He laughs, “Bravery of a soldier, it never  _ does  _ get old, does it?”

 

“No” Madison agrees 

 

“Hamilton.” Washington calls

 

“Daddy’s calling.” Jefferson says before they leave the room 

  
  


“You want to pull yourself together?” Washington says once the door is closed. 

 

“It’s those damn Virginians, they just flock-”

 

“Watch your mouth.” Washington warns, Hamilton remembers the President’s home his family had Thanksgiving at last year

 

“I’m sorry. But does that mean we let the Southerners hold Congress hostage?” he counters

 

Washington looks at him, both hands bracing his desk, “You need the votes.” 

 

“Sir, with all do respect, we need the  _ plan _ . It’s the only thing that will save us.” 

 

“You  _ need _ to convince Congress of that. Start with Madison, don’t you two have history?” he asks

 

“Nothing pretty, he won’t talk to me now that he is Jefferson’s lap dog.”  he says 

 

Washington wipes a hand over his head “Find a compromise.” 

 

“They don’t even have anything to compromise with!” Alex objects

 

“Well, make them like it.” 

 

“And what happens if I can’t. We have no other-”

 

“I imagine they’ll call for your removal.” he says, tiredly 

 

“Sir, can they-” 

 

“Figure it out, Alexander.”

 

“Sir-” 

 

Washington drops his papers and turns to him “That’s an order.”

 

===========

 

“ _ Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf.”  _ Eliza sings

 

Philip holds back a small sigh, joins his mother in counting as he struggles to remember the right keys.

 

Eliza smiles as he hits the right  notes, “Good.” she tells him. She sings the numbers again, descending in pitch now. Eliza walks across the room to where John is in his bouncy chair, she picks him and winces as Philip changes beat on the last three. 

 

“ _ Sept, huit, neuf. _ ” Eliza corrects

 

“ _ Sept, huit, neuf. _ ” Philip chimes in with another different beat. 

 

She grabs John’s bottle, “Philip.” 

 

He turns and looks a little pleased with himself, he looks so much like Alexander when he does this. 

 

Philip notices something behind her head and smiles. She turns to see Alexander leaning on the door frame of the piano room. 

 

“How long were you there?” she asks him, leaning in for a kiss

 

Philip hits Alexander in the legs with a hug, wraps his small arms around his waist, nearly knocking Alexander over.

“Long enough to know Pip has got some serious talent.” he says, tossing Philip’s curls

 

“That he does.” Eliza agrees

 

He must hear his siblings in the living room, because Philip runs off from his parents to the noise. 

 

Eliza looks on after him, absently, accounting for them all, making sure everyone is alright, “How was work?” she asks as her eyes trail down the front hall

 

“It was, you know, work.” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets, staring at the floor

 

“Is it the bank plan?” she asks

 

He sighs “Yes, Jefferson and Madison don’t even have another plan to offer. They just hate mine.” 

 

“So there is nothing to compromise with. What does Washington say?” she walks to the kitchen to put the empty bottle away

 

Alexander follows, “ _ Washington _ isn’t saying anything. He just keeps saying ‘figure it out’ like that will magically give me the answer.” 

 

“Well he probably has no idea what to do either” she tells him. Eliza holds out John for him to take, “You’re better at burping.” 

 

Alexander smiles at his calm little face, and reaches for the towel to put over his shoulder. 

 

“Nobody has a plan but me, and no one wants to listen to me.” He says

 

She looks at him across the counter like  _ You know it’s more than that _ . 

“Make them see that, make them see that this is the only way to help the country. You have the plan, it’s solid and rooted in facts. Ask Congress to see past their party views and to look at this not like a Federalist scheme but as an American goal.” 

 

He smiles at her as she cleans the dishes, this is why he loves her. 

 

“What?” she looks up at him, Alexander’s face now contorted from a smile to something different. He looks nervous, more so than usual. 

 

“If Congress doesn’t listen to me, if this plan doesn’t work, I’ll lose my job.” he focuses only on the feeling of patting John’s back, not the way Eliza slows her movements, not the million thoughts in his head.

 

Eliza’s stomach turns, she turns the faucet off, she doesn’t have an easy answer for that. Not like she thinks he will actually lose his job, but he won’t get anything done if all he is thinking about is losing his job. 

She takes a chance. 

 

“Alexander, I know this is hard for you. But will you please reconsider the trip. You won’t get anything done just sitting here alone stressed out for a month.” 

 

“Eliza-” 

 

“I know, I know. It is time sensitive, people are angry, and you could lose your job now apparently. But just come for a week, unwind, let go, and the come right back fully recharged.” she hangs on his free shoulder, making half-fake half-real begging eyes. 

 

“I wish I-”

 

She lets out a whimper “No, don’t wish. Just come. Remember last year?” her eyes darken, “Remember the  _ lake _ ?”

 

Alexander laughs, gestures with the shoulder holding John, “Hey, I  _ remember _ the lake.” Eliza blushes, heart still fluttering after nearly ten years. 

“I just don’t see how I can, Bets. They need me here,” he says, handing a sleeping John to her and taking the towel off his shoulder. 

 

_ I need you here,  _ she thinks. Her chest pulls at the thought of him alone, trying to fix problems that don’t have simple solutions, and breaking his neck just to keep his job.  

 

Alexander’s phone chimes. 

 

_ Angelica Schuyler-Church 5:48 PM _

_ Sit down with him and compromise. Jefferson will bend if you wager with him. I’m rooting for you from London.BTW you need to come upstate with us. All of our troop is on the way and… _

 

Alexander forgot he text her angrily as soon as he walked out of Washington’s office, grasping for someone to agree with him. 

 

“Important?” Eliza asks

 

“Angelica, she says she is on her way. Is that today?” He asks 

Eliza reaches for her phone, “Yeah but we were going to pick them up later-”

 

The doorbell rings and they answer it. Sure enough, the Churches are standing on Eliza’s front porch, suit cases and all. 

 

Eliza hasn’t seen Angelica since Christmas. Her smile is as wide as her face, Eliza doesn’t know why but tears well in her eyes. 

 

“Angelica!”

 

“Eliza.” she pulls he sister in her arms, minding John.

 

“We were supposed to pick you guys up.” Eliza says

 

“We got an earlier flight.” Angelica pulls away, “Now are you gonna let us in?” 

 

She laughs and they all file in. 

 

Philip and the others all rush in to meet their cousins. JC picks up two by the waist and the rest follow him to the living room. He always loved rough-housing with all the kids. Eliza sometimes resents how perfect of a human he is: sculpted features, token accent, more-expensive-than-her-car suits, etc. 

Seeing Alexander and JC next to each other, though, she felt a sudden rush of affection for Alexander, despite just being annoyed with him. Something about the wrinkled dress shirt and soft expression on his face, his long, scraggly hair contrasted to JC’s close cropped head. 

Yes, she’d much rather kiss Alexander. So that was lucky. 

 

“Maybe you can convince Alexander to come with us.” Eliza tells Angelica, meaning to be joking but her sister took it serious

 

“You’re not coming?” she asks, one arm still around Eliza’s waist

 

His face looks hurt, he looks to Eliza to help him, she can’t offer anything. Frankly, she doesn’t want to. “You know, Angelica. Work- work has been just nuts-”

 

“Yeah, I know Alex. Everyone’s work is crazy. You don’t think John had one million other things he could be doing? But he is still here with us.” she almost spits at him

 

“That’s different Angelica, not all of us own LLC’s and can make our own hours.” He fires back

 

Eliza panics, it is too easy for them to start a fight. 

Angelica and Alexander hold their stares for a moment, then Angelica speaks.

 

“One week. Come for one week.” he stares at her longer, coming up with a counter, Eliza has seen that look too many times

 

“Alexander,” his eyes snap to Eliza, noticeably soften, “One week. People who work do that, you can do that.” 

 

“You know I want to, you both do. But this plan- it has to take priority right now. I have to get it through Congress or I’ll be out of a job and this country will be out of money.” he says to them

 

“Daddy! Come play!” Angie shouts from the hall leading to their living room 

 

He takes Eliza’s hand and kisses it before walking away.

 

“You are the worst.” Angelica says, almost laughing

 

“But you have to love me, legally you are obligated to.” he says, picking up Angie and throwing her over his shoulder

 

Angelica starts after him, Eliza hold her back a little. 

 

“It’s okay, Gel. Really it is, as long as I still have you there.” Eliza smiles

 

Angelica smiles back at her sister, like she did not think of that before. She pulls her sister into a hug and Eliza leads them to the kitchen to start dinner. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Boy 
> 
> catch me on tumblr @ peepasoo
> 
> comment/kudos/bookmark to support your local emo "author"
> 
> next up: a summer in albany

**Author's Note:**

> okay first chapter done and eliza and alex love each other so much it's disgusting  
> but what else is new?
> 
> okay I didn't really make it clear in the beginning, but this story will be hamilton by hamliza in modern times. I'm taking a more historically accurate approach with this so their will be lots of angst, sorry in advance. 
> 
> kudos/bookmark/comment please I need validation!!
> 
> (shout out to words as weapons once again for letting me scream abt this)


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